


Metanoia

by adestielable



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actual Murder, Alpha Dean Winchester, Attempted Murder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Beastie Fights, Beta Amara, Beta Gadreel (Supernatural), Blood and Violence, Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Claiming, Consensual First Time, Fic based on episode "Sonnie's Edge" from Netflix show Love Death and Robots, First Time, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Multi, Non-Con/Rape Outside of Castiel/Dean Winchester, Omega Castiel, Rape Culture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Defense Murder, Systematic Culture of Rape In Society, Time Skips, Top Dean Winchester, a/b/o dynamics, eventual consensual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23547673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adestielable/pseuds/adestielable
Summary: Castiel’s existence has been nothing but pain, humiliation, and degradation. He’s an omega in a world where omegas are objects for an alpha’s enjoyment.After a brutal assault on his nineteenth birthday, Castiel began entering into beastie fights—matches where instead of people going head to head, bio and mechanically engineered beasts fight to the death. And in Castiel’s months of fights, he’s not lost once.It’s after one of these fights where Castiel meets Dean, his supposed true mate. Castiel hates alphas, and has vowed never to let one into his life because all alphas do is inflict pain. Yet…Dean is different. And Castiel finds he can’t help being drawn to him.(A/N: Inspired by the episode “Sonnie’s Edge” in the Netflix show Love, Death, and Robots, and follows the events in that episode closely through chapter one.)
Relationships: Amara/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 136
Collections: Bottom Cas Big Bang 2019





	1. Resolution

**Author's Note:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and chapter title) - Resolution by Kick Puncher  
> ~  
> Hey! This fic was written for the Bottom Cas Big Bang 2019 and I want to give huge thanks to the mods for creating this challenge. And I want to give another amazing, big, gigantic thanks to the artist who created some amazing art for my fic: NoaVice! Check out their post on tumblr [here!](https://noavice.tumblr.com/post/614827680883408896/art-masterpost-for-adestielables-wonderful-fic)
> 
> (I really hope I was able to just embed the link in the text there, but I've never done it before and I'm not sure if it's going to work, so we'll see, lol.)
> 
> Anyway! If you haven't see the episode Sonnie's Edge from "Love, Death, and Robots" I would definitely recommend watching it. But you don't have to to get this fic. This fic is basically a extension of that universe, but it is it's own version of that story, if that makes sense? :P 
> 
> PLEASE MIND THE TAGS BECAUSE THERE IS A KIND OF CULTURE OF RAPE IN THIS FIC'S SOCIETY & IT CAN BE UPSETTING.
> 
> But without anymore from me, I hope you enjoy!"

Castiel could feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins. He could feel the hunger deep in his belly for something that no food or drink could ever satisfy—could feel the lust for it almost overpower him. And then he heard the cheers from the crowd and it was like fire had replaced the blood in his veins. His mind felt the clearest it had since his last fight. 

Everything seemed to go in slow motion as he walked, the cold from the cement under his bare feet barely registered—or mattered—to him. All he could focus on right now was the  _ blood  _ lust. The need to rip and tear and spill blood made his muscles buzz while his mind stayed calm, because the thrill of the fight never distracted him from what his goal was: revenge. 

Revenge on those who wronged him. On those who took advantage of him because of his status, on those who still thought he was some weak omega bitch they could fuck and knot when they felt like. Revenge on every alpha—every single alpha who’d taken his free will away from him every day of his life since he’d presented. 

Castiel felt his techie, Gadreel, tap him on the shoulder before they exited the Challenger’s Tunnel. He asked, like he always did before a match, “You okay, Cas?” 

Castiel always responded the same, a single solitary nod before they stepped onto their platform. This time was no different. Castiel didn’t lift his hands to part the bead curtain that hung at the end of the tunnel or lift his head. On the other hand, both Gadreel and his team’s organizer, Rachel, exited with a flourish. While Castiel just walked through the beads—ignoring them because he wasn’t here for flash and show, he was here to fight and he was here to win—Rachel and Gadreel threw their arms up and roared to rile up the crowd. 

The announcer’s hologram was down in the ring, spewing poetic nonsense about Castiel and his team. 

_ “On the Challenger’s side we have the  _ lovely _ Omega Castiel, with his mechanical engineer and his organizer Beta Gadreel and Beta Rachel!” _

Both Gadreel and Rachel threw their heads back and screamed in triumph. The announcer turned to the other platform on the opposite side of the arena once things settled down enough for him to talk again. 

_ “On the victor’s side we have the intimidating Alpha Alastair, his mechanical engineer and his producer, Beta Bartholomew, and Beta Anael!” _

Castiel didn’t look up as he heard Alastair roar, exciting the crowd once again. Instead, he stepped up onto his pedestal and closed his eyes, centering himself, stoking the fire burning inside him. 

_ “Tonight is the big night! The night of the fight of the year!”  _ The crowd screamed louder, and it gave fuel to Castiel’s blood lust.  _ “A fight to the death between two brutal beasties! And you know that that means, don’t ya’?!” _ The people sitting in the stands cheered anew.  _ “That’s right! Gore, gore, galore!” _

Castiel felt Gadreel come up next to him. “You ready?” 

Castiel finally looked up, giving his opponent a quick once over. 

“Oh what a sweet little omega,” Alastair said, but it didn’t bother Castiel. “I’m going to take you down, and then…” Alastair laughed. “And then you’re going—” he made the motion as if he were holding Castiel’s head and pushing it down towards his crotch. “ _ —down !”  _

“Ignore him,” Rachel called out to Castiel as the crowd seemed to laugh and scream at the innuendo. 

“The affinity link is booted, Cas,” Gadreel said, having to raise his voice to be heard over the screeching people in the stands. “You ready to tear this fucker apart?” 

Castiel took a deep breath and shrugged his jacket off before sitting down. He took one last look at Alastair as the alpha sat in some beaten down leather armchair. Castiel nodded, closing his eyes as Gadreel tapped away on his screen.

The next thing he knew, he was opening his eyes to see the inside of Arkangel’s tank and hear the dull roar from the crowd. 

_ “Are you ready?!” _ The announcer screamed and laughed as the crowd got excited in turn. Castiel pushed open the door to Arkangel’s tank, and shook off the reparative microgel and narrowed his eyes on the small form of the announcer in the arena. He stretched once and then began making his way into the arena, his blood pounding in his ears with every step.  _ “Coming from the Challenger’s side on a hot, hot twenty-three match winning streak—” _ Castiel stopped just before he would exit the tunnel and watched the announcers hologram smile at him in just the slightest way.  _ “We have have Arkangel!” _

Castiel took that as his queue to burst out into the arena, stretching up to his full height. He looked at his surroundings and then turned to look at himself through Arkangel’s eyes, that fire inside him raging at all the scars he saw covering his face and arms. Castiel threw his head back and let his rage out in a deep, intense roar. 

Once he settled enough, the announcer continued his hype speech. 

_ “Can you hear that?” _ He said,  _ “That rumbling that’s coming down…down…down to tear up the town?!”  _

Castiel looked over to Alastair’s side of the arena and planted his feet in preparation for the beastie about to emerge. 

_ “I give you,” _ the announcer paused for effect.  _ “—Inferno!” _

Alastair’s beastie barged into the arena and roared, pounding his fists on his chest. Castiel took this time to assess the beastie. 

Inferno looked like he had thick, armored skin, which would make it hard to cut or scratch the beastie up, but not impossible. He had exposed bits where Castiel figured other beasties had gotten to him. Alastair apparently didn’t have, or didn’t care, to use microgel to heal his beastie. That fact made Castiel even more pleased to destroy this alpha’s reputation. 

_ “Are…” _ the announcer’s hologram flickered and distorted.  _ “…you…” _ it began to dissolve and the projector drone started to rise up and out of the ring.  _ “…ready!?” _

The crowd went wild for the last time and then the arena lights turned on. Inferno charged at Castiel, and Castiel let the blood lust take over. 

He let the beast inside him loose. 


	2. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and title inspiration) - Safe by Nick Santos  
> ~  
> ⚠️TRIGGER WARNINGS: ⚠️  
> ⚠️memories of past rape/sexual assault, present time assault and sexual assault/attemtped rape⚠️

Castiel won. He always did. The fight lasted maybe five minutes—even with Inferno’s cheating—before Arkangel obliterated him. Castiel barely had to try, really. Alastair relied too heavily on Inferno’s brute strength, only ever going for kill shots. It was clear to Castiel that Alastair never used any sort of skill to fight with Inferno. And guessing by the staggering and hesitating until he was in a certain spot, they didn’t change tactics based on who they fought. Always the same moves, just in a different order. 

“Hey, why the long face?” Rachel asked Castiel, giggling as Gadreel tickled her. She took another drink of the celebratory tequila the arena gave to them as a prize for winning tonight’s fight. “We won, didn’t we? And the arena threw this party for us, didn’t they?” 

“Yeah, but Arkangel is gonna need extra time in the tank because of that thing in Inferno’s arm. He cut off the spikes on Arkangel’s quadra-tail!” Gadreel said. “Which, let me be the first to say: what in the fuck was that thing?” 

“Well I’ll tell ya what it was, Honey,” Rachel said loudly, drunkenly, as she slid on top of Gadreel’s lap, handing the bottle of alcohol to him. “It was cheating is what it was!” 

Gadreel laughed, surging up to bite at Rachel’s neck playfully. The two of them giggled and pretended to fight before sobering up again—well, as much as they could in their inebriated state. Castiel just shook his head, smiling to himself at their antics. 

Rachel suddenly sat up straight and clicked her tongue. “You know, you’re right, Gaddie. What in the fuck was that thing?!” she said. “It was a solid bone, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, probably,” Gadreel said, taking his turn to have a drink of the tequila. Castiel tuned his friends out as they continued to talk about the mechanics of the blade in Inferno’s arm, looking out at the crowd of party-goers. They were dancing and mingling and looked to be having one hell of a time, but Castiel couldn’t help but feel a little sick from all the different scents in the room. 

“I wanna know how they engineered that thing,” Rachel said. 

“Why? It’s not like we can have Arkangel have one, it’s cheating,” Gadreel said, “You remember? No weapons?” 

“I know, but it’s an amazing feat in and of itself!” 

“You just wanna know because you thought we were gonna lose tonight,” Gadreel said. 

“No! Not true! I—” Rachel tried, but Gadreel didn’t let her. 

“You just got scared when Inferno had Arkangel trapped against the edge of the arena and Castiel didn’t fight back…” Gadreel trailed off for a moment before looking back to Castiel with a questioning gaze. “Hey, Cas, what happened then? When Inferno stabbed you? It looked like you and Arkangel gave up for a snap there.”

Castiel froze at the question. He felt his heartbeat quicken and his brain fog up. That small snap of the fight had scared him. It had taken him by surprise because try as he might, he wasn’t perfect in the arena. Inferno had surprised him with that blade and then when Castiel was trapped between Inferno and the wall of the arena…it had reminded him of that night two years ago. 

Rachel sighed, even in her drunken state aware of what was going through Castiel’s head. 

“Gadreel, you idiot.” 

“I gotta go,” Castiel rushed out, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on quickly. “I’m gonna check on Arkangel and then turn in for the night.” 

“Wait, what did I say? What— _oh_ _!_ ” 

The sound of Rachel’s muffled scolding was the last thing Castiel heard before he exited the ballroom and made his way to the docking unit in the back of the arena. It’s where they’d parked their semi and were keeping Arkangel in his microgel tank to regenerate and recuperate. They’d been given the Victor’s Suite in the hotel above the arena, but Castiel preferred to sleep close to Arkangel. It made him feel safer. And it allowed him to let his guard down. He was safe with Arkangel, and he could let go of the constant vigilance he kept up to protect himself from the horrible memories of that night. And even though it was fucking awful to remember, he didn’t have a choice because sometimes, after matches, when the adrenaline wore off and he had nothing to focus on but himself, the past caught back up with him. And he broke. The memories of what those alpha’s did to him—what they made him do…all came crashing down on him. 

And right this second, the pain and humiliation he felt that night as they used him for their pleasure and entertainment started to suffocate Castiel. He tried to keep it together just long enough to reach the semi, but he could feel the memories creeping up faster than he was walking. The next thing he knew, he was on his knees, hunched over on the floor as his walls fell and the past consumed him. 

It had been a gang of pirate raiders that grabbed him. And Castiel guessed he’d just gotten unlucky that raiders had grabbed him because raiders—roaming in gangs or alone—weren’t common. It was considered a phenomenon for someone to even see a raider once in their life nowadays. Of course, back when his parents were young, pirate raiders were anywhere and everywhere. They would hang around malls and parks and other places families would visit and when they saw parents with an omega in the family, they would follow them and strike at night. They kidnapped the omegas, killed any alphas, and maimed the parents. 

The epidemic of pirate raider gangs became so widespread and so common that when the peace enforcement agency wouldn’t do more to stop them, common folk took to protecting themselves. Hundreds of thousands of raiders were killed while trying to invade a home, and thousands more that were even thought to be a raider were killed on sight. It was a horrible time, and Castiel grew up hearing about how pirate raider gangs practically disappeared overnight because members were too scared to continue living that life. 

Either way, it had been pirate raiders who grabbed him. He’d just finished celebrating his nineteenth birthday—the first birthday he’d celebrated since he was a tween—with Rachel and Gadreel at this bar they liked. He hadn’t even drank anything, even though he was old enough to finally. He’d had alcohol before, and it didn’t sit well with him, so he only went to that bar because Rachel and Gadreel wanted to celebrate him now being able to drink legally. Castiel had had fun, and he blamed himself for having too much fun that he didn’t see the triad of alpha raiders watching him the whole night. 

They told him when they grabbed him that they didn’t like grabbing random omega’s anymore—it was too dangerous—but male omega’s were hard to come by, and Castiel had been the first one they’d seen. The one who’d seemed to be the leader told Castiel, _“And you just smell so delicious, how is any alpha able to resist you.”_

Now, Castiel was used to being harassed. He was a male omega in a world where male omega’s were so rare they were seen as a delicacy by alpha’s and nothing more. Hell, Castiel wasn’t even a newcomer to rape. His own brother and father had both stolen his virginity during his first ever heat in his eleventh birthday, and from then on out during his heats they had found him just too tempting to resist sometimes. 

Castiel wasn’t stupid. He knew what it meant to be an omega in this world. It meant pain and suffering and never being able—never even getting _close_ to the institution of being allowed to choose. And he wasn’t naive. He knew to be cautious when out by himself. And the one time he hadn’t been, he paid the price for it. 

Only three of the raiders had grabbed him; but there had been four more in the alley behind the bar, waiting. Over the course of two hours, Castiel paid the price of not being suspicious of everyone more times than he could count. The seven of them had taken turns with him and in between, they forced him to do whatever humiliating, degrading, disgusting thing they wanted. After they’d gotten tired of him, they took turns beating him until he was barely recognizable. And then they started cutting. They cut his face, his arms and legs, his chest, stomach, his genitals—everywhere. It felt like there wasn’t a spot on his body they hadn’t carved into or bruised. 

When he woke up, two months later, he was told it had been Rachel who’d found him being cut up by the raiders. She tried to scare them off, but two of them had panicked and charged her—no doubt meaning to kill her—but Rachel never left her house without a gun, and she’d killed the two of them. That had been what scared the rest off. 

Rachel was the first to see him there in the alley: naked, bruised, bloody, carved up and one breath away from death. Castiel couldn’t look at her for days, let alone speak to anyone for weeks because, yeah, Castiel had been raped before—more times than he cared to admit… But what those raiders did? It was something so different. So unfathomable, so negatively ineffable, at the time he couldn’t comprehend how someone could be such an evil being. 

He understood it now, though. Castiel understood how someone could be so evil, because that was what alphas were: evil. Alpha’s were the absolute bane of this world. They were poisonous and turned everything around them to rot. If it was impossible for Castiel to go around tearing into each and every alpha he passed on the street like he’d been torn into by all of them, he would do it in the only way he could. And that hatred was what gave Castiel his advantage in the ring, his spark. 

Castiel angrily wiped at his eyes and stood up on shaky legs as he was finally able to push the memories away again. Sometimes this would happen. Sometimes he wouldn’t be able to control them or push them away until he got somewhere safe. It wasn’t often, but, when someone mentioned it or something reminded him of that night, it happened. 

“Hello,” someone said out of nowhere, making Castiel jump. When he saw who was there, he immediately was on edge because twenty feet in front of him, blocking his path was this tall, broad shouldered, light brown-haired, topless man that looked like he could probably snap Castiel in two without breaking a sweat. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the man said, “I just… You’re Castiel, right? Arkangel’s pilot?” 

Castiel didn’t answer, but nodded his head, eyeing the man warily. 

“I’m a huge fan,” he said, “You were amazing in the ring tonight.” 

Castiel just nodded again, tracking every small movement the man made so he would be ready just in case. 

“I’m Dean,” the man—Dean said. Castiel just narrowed his eyes, his unease growing by the second. 

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked. Dean smiled at him nervously and rubbed at the back of his neck. 

“I was actually hoping to see you,” Dean said, “I’m not really a fan of beastie fights, but I've heard about you and I have a—” 

“If you’re not a fan of beastie fights then why are you at an arena,” Castiel asked. “I mean. That’s what arenas are for.” 

Dean chuckled. “My employer is the owner of a lot of the arenas around here and she comes to fights to...monitor, I guess. B-but she also gambles on beasties. And I go where she goes.” 

Castiel quirked an eyebrow. The owner of this arena was a beta named Amara Shurley. Her father was one of the people responsible for beastie fights becoming legal. And once the law had passed, the company the Shurley’s built, _Night Industries_ , had begun construction on hundreds of arenas around the world. He left everything to Amara when he passed. 

Dean must be her boyfriend. And he had to be another beta because alpha’s didn’t settle down and commit to betas. Or monogamous relationships, in general, really. 

Castiel let himself calm down just enough to not be so hostile. “Okay.” He looked Dean up and down once, ignoring the annoying little spark of attraction he felt towards him. “Why are you down here? This is typically only for pilots and their teams.” 

Dean gave a half shrug. “One of the perks of being the boss's escort is I get to go anywhere I want when she doesn’t want me.” 

Castiel froze. “Escort?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Dean said. “Amara doesn’t have time to really look for a mate, so she has me.” 

If Dean was an escort, that meant Dean was decidedly _not_ a beta. Dean being an escort meant that he was an alpha because betas just weren’t escorts. Female betas weren’t desirable like omega’s and male betas would always be outshone by alpha’s. 

“You’re…” Castiel felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Cas? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Did I say something wrong?” Dean asked. Even in Castiel’s haze he could hear the worry in Dean’s voice. But he ignored it because _Dean was an alpha_ , and alphas were great liars. “Castiel? Are you okay?” 

“Y-you need to go,” Castiel said. “You shouldn’t be down here.” 

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to meet you,” Dean said, “You’re amazing and I have a brother who—”

“You should not be down here,” Castiel repeated. He felt exposed, like he was stranded in the middle of the ocean. 

Dean stepped forward, looking like he was about to walk over to Castiel and Castiel’s fight-or-flight response kicked in. 

He chose to flee. 

Castiel waited until Dean was a few steps away before he bolted. He was an omega and omega’s were typically faster than alpha’s. Even if Dean looked like he could give Castiel a run for his money if he chased, Castiel just needed to make it to his semi and he could link up with Arkangel. No alpha could hurt him when he was protected by Arkangel. 

Castiel just focused on that: getting to his semi. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and blood rushing in his ears loud enough that if Dean was following him, he wouldn’t be able to hear it. He chanced a look over his shoulder, almost laughing out loud at the fact he didn’t see Dean behind him anywhere. 

As Castiel looked back ahead of himself, he felt himself run straight into someone. The wind was knocked out of him and he fell down, gasping for breath for a few seconds. 

“Well,” someone’s nasally voice filtered into Castiel’s ears and the relief Castiel had just felt died in record time. He looked up to see Alastair smiling at him, wide and predatory. The alpha’s canines were showing and the yellow and brown stains on them made Castiel nauseous. “You’re just the bitch I was looking for,” he said, reaching down to grab Castiel by the hair. He hauled Castiel up to his feet and pushed him into a wall, holding him there with a hand to his throat. “You omega cunt. You think you can just come in here and make me look like a fucking joke?” 

“Get off me!” Castiel yelled, wheezing as Alastair pressed harder into his windpipe. 

“What are you doing piloting? You’re an omega—you’re just a breeder. That’s all you omega’s are good for,” Alastair growled, “taking a knot.” 

“Fuck off!” Castiel clawed at Alastair as black dots began to dance in his vision. 

“I told you you were going down,” Alastair said, “one way or another _that_ is going to happen.” 

Castiel felt the hand around his throat drop away and he inhaled immediately, just trying to get the black dots to go away. It was just after he’d oriented himself when Alastair grabbed a handful of his hair once again and kicked his footing out from under him, causing him to go slamming down onto his knees. Castiel yelped in pain and threw his fists out at Alastair. 

“Open your mouth whore,” Alastair sneered, and Castiel registered the sound of a zipper undoing itself. 

“No!” Castiel cried, punching Alastair wherever he could—aiming many of his shots at Alastair’s crotch—and scratching at the alpha’s arm in hopes of getting the hand out of his hair. He could fight back much better if he was standing. 

“Stop struggling, fucker!” Alastair said. He stopped trying to undo his pants and backhanded Castiel, sending him sprawling onto the floor. Castiel heard him chuckling at the whimper he let out and the self-righteous tone of Alastair’s gargled laugh angered Castiel. 

“You’re just a stupid alpha bastard,” he said, pushing himself back up onto his knees, ignoring the stabbing pains he felt in his legs. “Bet you’ve got a small dick and a lame knot.” 

“You little bitch,” Alastair said, his words more of a growl than anything else. He drove his foot into Castiel’s side, snarling as Castiel cried out and wheezed. Alastair grabbed Castiel’s jacket and pulled him up so he could knee Castiel in the stomach. He did it a few times before dropping Castiel back to the floor and kicking him again. “I’ll put you in your place,” he said, pulling Castiel up and shoving him into the wall so he was facing it and his backside was exposed to Alastair. 

Castiel fought to catch his breath at the same time he tried to fight back. He could feel the man pushing him into the wall with his body, and he would’ve kicked his feet out at him, but Castiel could barely feel them. 

“Stop fucking struggling!” Alastair said, reaching around to the front of Castiel’s pants to undo the button. Castiel gritted his teeth and threw his head back into Alastair’s face, ignoring the pain the action caused and instead focusing on the cry Alastair sputtered out. “Fucking hell!” Alastair yelled, and the hands at the button of his pants disappeared. Castiel was about to try and throw some more jabs back at Alastair, but he felt a hand grabbing at his hair once again and then an utterly _blinding_ pain burst out from the side of his head. 

In the back of his mind, he registered himself dropping to the floor and Alastair following him. He absently felt his pants pulled down and his legs pushed open, but he was powerless to stop it anymore. The pain from Alastair slamming his head into the wall made his limbs feel some kind of numb. Even if that numbness wasn’t there, Castiel’s limbs felt too heavy to move, anyway. 

Castiel just prayed this would be over soon and that Alastair wouldn’t knot him. That was always what hurt him the most. Not just physically, but the mental and emotional toll of being knotted against his will was absolute hell. It was the hardest part to get over in the immediate aftermath because on a biological level, it left his omega yearning for a mate it didn’t want—that it loathed with it’s entire being, but still needed because knotting was for mates. It was supposed to signify their close bond to each other, it _was not_ meant for strangers in any kind of situation. 

Castiel felt Alastair move to flip him over onto his stomach, but something stopped the alpha. Castiel heard some yelling, but it sounded a million miles away. He couldn’t make out words, and a part of him didn’t want to because the chances were it was just another alpha here to fight over who got to have first go at him. 

The heat from Alastair’s body between Castiel’s legs went away, and Castiel figured that meant the other alpha had won the fight over him. He readied himself as much as he could for what was about to happen, but all he felt was his pants and underwear pulled back up and buttoned. Someone began talking to him, but Castiel couldn’t understand what was being said. He felt an arm slip under his back and another slip under his knees. A small whimper escaped his lips as he was lifted up and into someone’s arms. 

They jostled him a bit and Castiel felt his head fall onto this person's shoulder. His nose pressed against what he assumed to be their neck and in one shaky inhale, one breath of redwoods, Castiel felt safer than he ever had. Not even being Arkangel gave him this kind of feeling. 

Whoever this was, they continued to speak to him, and the deep richness of their voice, plus the calmness brought by their scent of redwoods and a running river, began to lull Castiel to sleep. He felt safe with whoever was carrying him. In that moment, Castiel couldn’t even force himself to care who it was. He just didn’t want this warmth to go away. 

Castiel felt this pull in his gut. It made him look up and the green irises that greeted him seriously made him think he’d died and this was his own little piece of heaven. 

“You’re safe,” the green-eyed angel said. “Don’t worry, you’re safe.” 

Castiel knew he was. In this person’s arms, he knew he was safe and he closed his eyes, burying his head in this person’s neck. He inhaled as much and as many times as he could before letting sleep overcome him.


	3. Wake Me Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and title inspiration) - Wake Me Up by by Foreign Air  
> ~  
> Just a quick little note: this chapter may read like the characters are acting out of character, but just hang in there. It’ll be explained.

Castiel opened his eyes as soon as he was awake. He didn’t waste time laying in bed to come to full consciousness, no, Castiel opened his eyes and took in what he was looking at and what he was feeling around him: he was staring at a ceiling and that was definitely a bed he felt beneath him. 

He was in a bedroom, obviously. Though, it was a  _ nice _ room, if the ceiling with no chipped paint and the much-too-comfortable-to-be-his-own mattress were anything to go by. He hadn’t made it to his semi, obviously. So, what had stopped him? 

_ Alastair _ .

Castiel made the move to bolt up in bed, but splitting pain just about everywhere stopped him dead in his tracks. His mind reeled and he squeezed his eyes shut, pulling the memories from last night out of wherever he’d stored them. 

He remembered Dean, remembered figuring out he was an alpha and running. Then, he ran into Alastair and they fought—hence his body feeling like it had gone into the ring instead of Arkangel. Castiel remembered Alastair undressing him, but after that all Castiel could remember was the feeling of being safe. 

_ What happened? _ Castiel didn’t know, but he would most definitely figure it out. He pushed the pain away, ignored the inability to focus his vision, and sat up. The room spun around him, but Castiel just ignored it and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. 

As soon as he stood up, he almost collapsed due to the sheer pain he felt in his knees, but he’d been through worse and ignored it. Castiel heard voices coming from somewhere to his right and stumbled his way towards them. The closer he got, the clearer the words became and as Castiel reached one of the walls of this room, he was able to comprehend what was being said. 

“What gives you the right?!” That had to have been Rachel. 

“Rachel!” And that was Gadreel. 

“No! What gives this fucking asshole the right to touch Cas?!” Rachel yelled, “Who does he think he is?!” 

“I did not hurt him, that was Alastair.” 

_ That voice. _ Oh, god that voice made Castiel feel this pull in his soul. His omega scratched at his insides and Castiel just let it take over, let it do what it knew was right. 

It made him start frantically pawing at the wall to find the door. He needed to find the owner of that voice because he needed to be in their arms. He would be safe in their arms and on a deep, profound, primal level, he knew he would never be hurt again as long as he was near that person. 

“That means nothing to us! You could be lying!” 

“Rachel, Jesus Christ. Think about it! If he was the one to hurt Cas, he would have just left him wherever to be found by whoever.” 

Rachel ground out, pausing after each word, “We don’t know that!” 

“Why would he have brought Castiel up here and started taking care of him? We found him cleaning Cas’s wounds!” 

Castiel found the doorknob and immediately tore the door open, leaning heavily on the door jamb as he tried to get his vision to stop spinning. 

“Cas!” he heard Rachel gasp. 

“What are you doing out of bed?” Gadreel said. 

“You should be lying down,”  _ that voice _ said, and Castiel mewled, pushing off the door jamb and stumbling over to where he heard it come from. 

“Cas, what are you doing?!” Rachel rushed over to hold Castiel. Her scent of cloves and figs entered his nose and he recoiled from it. It almost felt as though it burned him, so he pushed her away with something akin to a growl in his throat. 

“What the fuck?” Gadreel said, and Castiel growled at him, too, unable to stop himself. He didn’t care about anything at the moment, all he knew is he needed to make it to whoever it was in the room with that deep, rich, calming voice. 

“Don’t touch him,” they said, and Castiel cried out for them, tripping over his own feet. Before he hit the ground he felt arms around him, and the scent of redwoods and a beautiful river in the forest invaded his senses, clearing Rachel’s scent from his nose. Castiel felt the person right him on his feet, but not let him go. They just held him tightly and let him bury his face in their neck. Castiel almost started just purring in happiness. 

“What the hell?” Castiel distantly heard Gadreel say, but he opted to ignore him. 

“Why did you get out of bed?”  _ they _ asked, “You should go back to sleep.” 

Just the thought of leaving this person’s arms made Castiel mewl and cling tighter to them. He wouldn’t let them get away, not this time. Last night he didn’t have a choice because he’d fallen asleep, but now that he was awake he wouldn’t let them get away. He didn’t want to let this feeling of safety abandon him. 

“What is happening?” Rachel asked. Castiel felt the stranger cup his face and move it away from their body. 

“Open your eyes for me?” they asked and Castiel was powerless to resist. He opened his eyes and smiled at the green eyes that flashed red at him. “Thank you,” they said, and leaned down to kiss Castiel’s forehead. Castiel just leaned into the touch, closing his eyes again and settling back against their chest. 

“Did he just—” 

“Yes.” the word rumbled through their chest and Castiel answered with a happy little hum. 

“You can’t be serious,” Rachel seethed. 

“You want more proof than how he’s acting right now?” Gadreel said incredulously. 

“No! I just… He  _ hates _ alphas. They’re the entire reason we go into the ring.  _ The entire reason _ .” 

“Yeah, but it seems like this one is Cas’s—” 

“Don’t fucking say it!” Rachel yelled. “Don’t say it.” 

“Well it’s true,” Gadreel said. Castiel sighed as his omega finally started receding and his mind began to be his own again. He looked at the person he was hugging and as his omega finished curling back up inside him, confusion set in. 

“You don’t have to say it, though,” Rachel hissed. 

The unmistakable scent of alpha registered in Castiel’s mind and he froze. 

“You’re unbelievable, Rach,” Gadreel said. Castiel heard them continue talking, but ignored them. He was so confused. He was in the arms of an  _ alpha _ and he was frozen, but he knew he was not frozen in fear. No, if anything, it was at least  _ partly _ the opposite. Castiel was frozen in awe. He was frozen in surprise, but not unwelcome surprise. And he was frozen in confusion, because this was an alpha holding him. An  _ alpha _ . 

“Alpha?” Castiel whispered, and his breath caught in his throat as dazzling green eyes looked down at him. He felt this overwhelming sense of peace come over him, and his omega told him that this was his alpha. This was his  _ mate _ . 

“Hey there,” the alpha said, and Castiel blushed; because the alpha  _ smiled _ at him when he said it. Castiel hid half his face in the alpha’s chest, inhaling deeply while using his uncovered eye to look at the alpha’s face. 

Freckles, strong jaw, eyes that crinkled in the corner when he smiled just right… Castiel remembered this face. 

_ Dean. _

“Look, I don’t care if you’re his ‘supposed’ fucking true—” Rachel stopped short and she had to take a few deep breaths before continuing. “I don’t care if you’re his…mate,” she said, her voice so venomous it made Castiel feel almost scared of her, “you have to leave. We can take care of Cas and you can go back to your boss. Plus, Cas doesn’t like alphas. And you’re an alpha.” 

Castiel hugged Dean tighter as panic seized his heart.  _ Dean leaving? _ He didn’t want that! 

“I’ll go if Castiel wants me to go,” Dean said, his voice calm, but Castiel could scent the muted emotions in his scent: unease, despair, and upset. 

“Of course he wants you to leave!” Rachel shouted. The loudness of her voice made Castiel’s head hurt and he unwrapped his arms from Dean’s torso to cover his ears. He buried his face in Dean’s chest again, and groaned as his head pounded violently. “See!?” Rachel yelled again, storming over to Castiel and Dean. “He doesn’t want you here!” 

Castiel felt his hackles rise and he was just one wrong move away from the wolf taking over—and this time it wasn’t his omega that was driving him. His wolf, in his purest form—it’s genderless, faceless, mindless form—was just a touch away from taking over. Its perfect other half was being threatened, and it didn’t like that. The moment Castiel felt that touch that pushed him to lose himself in his wolf, he saw red. He turned to that threat, putting his back to the person he knew would protect him and who he was protecting, and growled at the threat. 

Rachel froze again in disbelief at Castiel. For the second time that morning, he was acting like she was the enemy. “Cas?” 

Castiel snarled at her and backed up into Dean farther, pushing him a step back from both Rachel and Gadreel. 

“Rach,” Gadreel said, “Back away.” 

“I… I  _ don’t understand! _ ” Rachel said, reaching out to Castiel. She jerked back as Castiel snapped at her, pushing Dean back even further away from her. 

“Rachel. Back,” Gadreel said, “away.” 

Rachel took a hesitant step back, pausing before taking another one. Gadreel grabbed her arm and yanked her across the room. He kept a firm grip on her wrist in case she decided to make a break for it. 

“Cas,” Dean whispered, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s body. “It’s okay.” He pulled Castiel as firmly against him as he could, radiating a calming scent. “It’s okay, I won’t leave you.” 

Castiel growled again, but not at Dean. 

“It’s okay,” Dean said, craning his head down to push his face into Castiel’s neck. “I won’t leave you, Omega.” 

Castiel’s wolf gave one last growl towards Rachel before settling back against Dean, letting itself calm and recede while it basked in Dean’s scent and the feel of it’s other half scent marking Castiel. 

“That’s it, Omega,” Dean said, and Castiel started purring as he came back to himself. He felt this overwhelmingly powerful exhaustion set in himself all the way to his core, and the struggle to keep his eyes open was one of the hardest things he’d had to do his entire life. “Go to sleep, Cas.” Dean’s voice lulled Castiel to stop fighting and he let the darkness take over. 


	4. Fake Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and title inspiration) - Fake Love by Cemetery Sun

When Castiel woke up again, he didn’t bolt right up like he had last time. What woke him pulled him from sleep peacefully. It was like he stretched himself awake. And when he was completely awake, he couldn’t ever remember feeling this well rested. 

“You’re in for a hell of a talk when you see Rachel again.” Castiel opened his eyes, blinking a few times to clear the sleep from them before focusing on who was talking to him: pale hazel-green eyes, light skin, wide nose and thin lips. “She’s real pissed,” Gadreel said. 

Castiel groaned. “What about?” 

“Dean.” 

Memories from earlier surfaced at that name and Castiel groaned again, bringing his hands up to cover his face. How touchy he was with Dean, how he felt like he would die if he wasn’t close to the alpha, how he practically turned feral when Rachel said Dean needed to leave… Castiel was stunned at how he acted. He hated alphas, but he’d practically just thrown himself at one. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

“What have I done?” Castiel whispered, bewildered. “What did I do? Why did I act like that? Why—”

“Calm down,” Gadreel said, “it’s perfectly normal to act like that when you find your true mate. I saw my little sister when she found her true mate and we couldn’t pry them apart for hours.” 

“True mate?” Castiel shook his head. “What do you mean? What is that?” 

Gadreel looked at him like he’d grown a second head. “You don’t know what true mates are?” 

Castiel shook his head no. “I know what mates are, obviously, I’m not stupid. But _true_ mates?” 

“I can’t believe you don’t know about—okay, look, true mates are mates, but it’s different. It’s like—” Gadreel waved his hand like he was willing himself to remember. “It’s not a choice _you_ make, per se.” 

Castiel mentally groaned and rolled his eyes. Gadreel was just pulling this ‘true mate’ business out of his ass, apparently. Well, if that was the case, Castiel was fine with it. He figured he was just so attached to Dean because of what happened. It was just a trauma bond, one he could ignore and hopefully, never have to deal with again. Never have to deal with Dean again. 

Castiel pushed the blankets on top of him off, taking a deep breath at the ache in his joints. “Gad, what time is it?” 

“Look, Cas, _people_ can choose their mate, but true mates are when your wolf chooses a mate. It’s the one person who reflects your wolf perfectly,” Gadreel said slowly, focusing intently on the words he chose. “A true mate is the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. And it looks like your omega chose Dean.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes again and sat up, wincing at the pounding in his head. He noted that his knees didn’t hurt anymore, and figured Gadreel had used some microgel to heal him faster. “Sure,” he said absently, focusing more on the throbbing in his head, and wishing that microgel could be used on head wounds. 

“Dean’s your true mate.” 

Castiel groaned and swung his legs over his bed to stand up, grabbing Gadreel’s shoulder to stabilize himself as his vision blurred. 

“Did you check out my head?” He asked, flinching just a little as Gadreel stood up, too, and grabbed a hold of his arm to keep him standing. 

“Yes. You’ll be fine. Luckily no concussion. It’s mainly just tissue damage and the blood loss that’s got you down for the count. You’ll need to make sure to drink lots of water and eat good meals the rest of the week because you’re already underweight, Cas. You lose any more blood, you're gonna be down for more than a few days.” 

“Thanks,” Castiel said, giving Gadreel a smile. 

“Oh, and take these,” Gadreel said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small plastic bag with two small pink pills. Castiel nodded, and Gadreel let go of his arm. “In other news, Rachel rescheduled the fight tomorrow tonight.” 

Castiel couldn’t say he disagreed with that, but that didn’t mean he was happy to give his spot to someone else. 

“Fine.” 

Gadreel sighed through his nose and grabbed the glass of water on Castiel’s nightstand, handing it to Castiel as he opened the little baggie and dumped the two pills into his mouth. 

“Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?” 

Castiel grabbed the water handed to him and swallowed both pills in one big gulp of water, ignoring Gadreel’s question, because no. He didn’t want to talk about anything that had happened yesterday. True mates weren’t a thing, and Castiel had just latched onto Dean because he had helped him. Nothing more. 

“Where is Rachel right now?” he asked. Gadreel walked with him across the room to the door, watching him carefully just in case he lost his footing or became too dizzy. 

“I sent her down to check on Arkangel and then get breakfast,” he said. 

“ _I_ need to check on Arkangel,” Castiel said, opening the bedroom door to step out into the living room. He was already feeling better thanks to those pills. What greeted him as he entered the living room dragged his mood back down. 

“Rach,” Gadreel said, surprised. “I thought you left already.” 

Rachel just glared. “We need to talk,” she said through gritted teeth. 

“Not now, Rachel,” Castiel said, “I need to go to the trailer. We can talk later.” 

“No, we need to talk now,” Rachel said. “What the fuck happened yesterday, huh?” 

“I don’t know,” Castiel said, still trying to get out of this room so he could get to Arkangel. “And frankly, I don’t care.” 

“I do! You were throwing yourself at Dean—who is an _alpha_ by the way!” Rachel almost sounded hysterical, but Castiel knew there was some truth to her words. 

“I don’t know what happened,” Castiel repeated, “Honestly, I don’t. I just want to forget about it and move on.” 

“What if Dean comes back?” Rachel asked, “What if he comes back and expects some kind of payment? What if he—”

“Rach, you know he won’t,” Gadreel interrupted. “You saw what happened.” 

“We don’t know anything about Dean!” Rachel yelled, her voice shrill and irritating to Castiel’s ears. He hated when she got like this. “He _could_ be just like all alphas are! He _could_ come back to Cas, expecting payment for his _‘courtesy’_ ! He _could_ ruin Cas’s life! _We don’t know!_ ” 

“He flashed his eyes at Cas!” Gadreel yelled, and his voice was no better than Rachel’s in Castiel’s ears. “Do you even know what that means, you fucking idiot?!” 

“I know what it means, asshole!” Rachel screeched, “We _still_ don’t know jack about him!” 

Castiel held his head in his hands, just trying to tune his friends out as they continued shouting. Over and over, for however long—Castiel wasn’t certain, all he knew was that it lasted for hours in his head. He couldn’t really process what was being said, just the gist of each of their tirades. Rachel just kept saying they didn’t know Dean, they didn’t know him, didn’t know him, therefore didn’t know his intentions or his wants and expectations of repayment. And Gadreel kept repeating the phrase ‘true mates’ and how 'true mates' weren’t capable of hurting each other. 

It made Castiel dizzy, the circles they were talking in. He didn’t truly begin to listen back in until Gadreel’s voice started to boom in that way it only did when he got impossibly angry. 

“You’re just pissed, Rachel! You’re just pissed Cas didn’t show you!” 

“You’re such a fucking jerk, Gadreel! I’m not pissed, I’m fucking worried!” 

“No, you’re mad that Cas found his true mate and _it’s not you!_ ” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! You have no idea—”

“We all know you’re in love with him, get your head out of your ass, Rach. We’re not stupid! You’re _pissed_ your already nonexistent chance with him has now been completely obliterated!” 

“Shut the fuck up!” 

“Don’t pull any punches, Rach, be a fucking adult and admit when you’re just being as selfish as you’ve always been!” 

“ _I’m not angry!_ ” Rachel utterly shrieked, her voice so high it had to have hurt her throat coming out. “I’m worried that this fucker is gonna come back and rape Cas! I’m afraid he’s gonna come back and break him like those pirate scum did!” 

Silence. _Deafening_ silence. That’s all Castiel could hear. It was like the ocean was rushing through his ears, but strangely, he didn’t feel anything. No panic, no fear, no anger. Just…nothing. Like, instead of having an attack, his body just shut down. 

“Rachel,” Gadreel said, “what the fuck?” 

“I…” Rachel floundered, looking from Gadreel to Castiel. “I’m sor—Cas, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” His own voice sounded foreign to his own ears. It sounded like it came from someone else. “Forget about it.” 

“Cas… I didn’t mean—”

“I said it’s fine,” Castiel said. He couldn’t look at Rachel, but he hoped she knew that in that moment it was just that: fine. Later was a different story, but right now, it was fine. “I’m going to see Arkangel.” Castiel left before either Gadreel or Rachel could protest. He walked the halls as fast as he could in his state, not really taking in anything but the sound of his own heart beat. 

When he reached his trailer, he locked the door behind himself and dropped to his bed. Some kind of comfort came from the lumps and dips he could feel in his hundred-year-old mattress. It gave him a little piece of his mind back, and Castiel took it gratefully as he laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. 

The peeling paint was another godsend. The familiarity of it all, as well as the comfort and safety that came from knowing Arkangel was a button push from protecting him gave Castiel solace. 

What Rachel has said… It would hurt. Castiel could feel this wound deep in his chest—a wound Rachel put there, and it would hurt like hell later. 

Betrayal wasn’t something Castiel was new to, of course, but Rachel betraying him… That was different. She had been the one to find him broken and bloody. She had been the one to nurse him back to health. She’d been the one who stood by him through months of not even being able to leave his bedroom. And she was the one who gave him the idea to start beastie fighting. Rachel was responsible for so much of his life and he gave her so much trust. 

And now… Castiel didn’t know.


	5. Violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (& title inspiration) - Violence by the Unlikely Candidates

The calm before the storm. 

Gadreel said that was how Castiel acted before a fight. He had this eerie calmness about him, and then he linked up with Arkangel and that was all he needed to let the storm devastate whoever was in it’s path. 

After delaying this fight another two days for Castiel to heal more, Castiel was more than ready. He’d hated backing out or rescheduling fights. It made him irritable and restless not being able to get into the ring. And ever since what happened with Dean, Castiel was even more ready to prove that nothing had actually changed. And winning before the fight had truly started was a good step. 

So, that is why Castiel made his way to his trailer once again. This time he forwent making an appearance at the after party. They had always been his least favorite part of the fights. 

Plus, there really wasn’t anything to celebrate. The fight had been short and easy—not worth Castiel’s time. It was some stupid inexperienced alpha that thought the cheers of the crowd was what gave you the win. His beastie was a sleek and pretty thing, but when it came to a fight, pretty wasn’t something you needed or wanted to be. 

Sleek was fine, sure. Arkangel was slim, too. Bulging muscles weren’t needed when you were smart. Castiel often won just with his wits alone. He attributed that to alphas being stupid, most of the time. No finesse or tact, just punches and jabs thrown with every muscle an alpha’s beastie had. Which, easily dodged blows made for an easy kill. 

Now, Castiel wasn’t entirely certain why he was so tired and why his body felt like his bones had been replaced with lead. A lot of times he was mentally tired after a fight, but he was never physically exhausted. And he didn’t know why that irritated him so much. The past few days had been some of the weirdest he’d had in a long time, that was true, but even still. Things were relatively back to normal. There was just this itch somewhere inside Castiel that he couldn’t scratch. 

What really made things noticeable was how Rachel was acting. She had always been there to support Castiel, but now it was like she couldn’t even look at him. Something had changed between them, and Castiel couldn’t help but feel like it was partly his fault. He’d always had an inkling Rachel wanted more from their relationship, but he also knew he never wanted to be in a relationship with her. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. Castiel told himself he just didn’t want partnership, but really it was a combination of a lot of things he wasn’t ready to try and decipher. Either way, Castiel just didn’t want anything more than friendship because even that was hard sometimes. 

The closer Castiel got to his trailer, the slower and harder his footsteps became. He almost didn’t hear the clacks from steel tipped shoes from somewhere ahead until it was too late. He stopped dead, retreating into the shadows as the footsteps echoes grew closer. He waited where he knew he couldn’t be seen, preparing himself for whoever it might be or whatever might happen. 

And then he saw them. A woman and a man walked past. 

Castiel knew that man. _Dean_. He was about to step out and ask what they were doing, but the moment before he did, Dean’s head snapped up and he looked exactly where Castiel was. It stopped Castiel right then and there, and he felt this spark of something rush through him. 

Dean’s face morphed into a grim look and he shook his head. Castiel didn’t know exactly what it meant, but it made him want to flee. Something about Dean’s face made it feel like danger was imminent if Castiel was spotted. 

“Knock or sound the bell, Dean,” the woman said. Dean looked away from Castiel. 

“Of course, Amara,” Dean said. 

Amara? As in… _Amara Shurley_? This was the woman responsible for the beastie fights? Dean’s employer. Confusion set in as to what she was doing knocking at his trailer door. The general population wasn’t allowed down here, and especially not this soon after a fight. 

Castiel waited, frozen in his spot as Dean moved over to push the ringer. If Castiel had been in his trailer already, he would have heard the bell and he would have answered the call. He would have had to talk to Amara. And something in Dean’s eyes had told him that he should want almost anything but to enter into conversation with her. 

“He’s not here,” Dean said after a solid half minute of silence. 

“You don’t know that,” Amara sneered, and if Castiel didn’t know better, he would have sworn that Dean flinched. 

“He hasn’t answered,” Dean said. 

“Well then ring again,” Amara said. “Maybe he’s just busy.” 

Dean didn’t say anything and pushed the ringer again, taking a step back and turning to face Amara. He waited for what felt like hours before speaking again. 

“He’s not here,” he repeated. 

“Fuck off,” she said, huffing in annoyance. Castiel’s brows furrowed. “Damn it, Dean. You said he’d be here.” 

“Apologies, Amara,” Dean said, but he didn’t sound sincere. He sounded scared, he sounded tired and defeated. “I can wait here until he gets back, if you’d like.” 

Amara looked at Dean for a long while before stomping her foot and turning on her heel. 

“I’ll find him some other time,” she said, walking away quickly. She called over her shoulder, “Don’t come back until curfew, Dean. I need time away from you.” 

Dean stared after her for several minutes. Castiel was about to confront Dean, but the overwhelming scent of worry in the air that choked Castiel stopped him. He couldn’t believe he was able to scent Dean this far away. And he was even more confused as he was able to scent what Dean was trying to tell him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been able to scent what people felt other times. He was an omega, and his sense of scenting was much better and more revealing than an alpha or beta; but this was different. Dean was a stranger… Castiel usually had to get accustomed to a person’s scent before he could scent their emotions on top of that. Or at least be ten feet closer to them. 

“It’s safe now,” Dean said, almost startling Castiel. Castiel looked up again and saw Dean finally letting his shoulders relax and his posture sag. “She’s gone.” 

Castiel didn’t move from his position in the shadows. He shook himself and forced air back into his lungs. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, “We already had this conversation. You shouldn’t be down here.” 

“Amara goes where she wants,” Dean said, “and when she’s on the move, I follow.” 

“Why aren’t you following her now then?” Castiel said, not even trying to hide the disdain in his tone. 

“She gave me an order,” Dean said, “I’m not to go back until my curfew.” 

“Curfew?” 

“She doesn’t like me to be out too late. Just in case,” Dean said. “Cas, please, come into the light. I’d like to talk.” 

“I’d rather not.” Castiel didn’t miss the way Dean’s eyebrows drew together or the way his mouth curved down. 

“I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday,” he said quietly, “about us being—”

“Shut up,” Castiel snapped, “we’re not anything.” 

Now Dean’s face contorted into a look of confusion. “What do you mean? You flashed your eyes at me,” Dean said and Castiel felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “I flashed mine to you, too.” 

“You’re wrong,” Castiel said, forcefully. “ _If_ I did anything, it was only because you helped me out with Alastair. If it was anything, all I had for you was just a trauma bond. Nothing more.” 

Dean frowned again. “What?” 

“You…” Castiel didn’t want to say Dean _saved_ him—that would be admitting that he owed Dean a debt, but he didn’t know any other way to really say it. “You saved me from Alastair. That was traumatic, and you were there to help me.” 

“That’s not… _wrong_ , but—”

“But nothing!” Castiel said, surprised to hear how manic he sounded, even to himself. “Whatever was there—whatever you _thought_ I felt for you is gone. In fact, it was never even there to begin with. It _only_ happened because of the situation I was in.” 

Dean was silent for a moment, his face flickering with so many different emotions so quickly Castiel didn’t have time to decipher them all. And then it settled on an unreadable expression. 

“Okay,” he said, “you didn’t feel anything. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel anything.” 

Castiel’s stomach twisted, and what scared him to his core was that it wasn’t twisting in alarm. It was churning with something pleasant and warm. “So?” Castiel heard his voice break. He had to cough to get it back to normal. “I don’t want anything to do with you. You’re an alpha.” 

“I… I am.” Dean looked at the ground, his entire posture crumpling in on himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and the next thing Castiel knew, his nose filled with the scent of shame and guilt. 

The air in his lungs was forced out of its own accord because he couldn’t stand to breathe in that scent filled so heavily with those emotions. Castiel couldn’t breathe for a long time, utterly frozen at Dean’s reaction. He would have kept his breath, but his body’s fight or flight response kicked in and he heaved in lungful after lungful. 

“I don’t understand,” Castiel said, stumbling back a few steps while coughing and shaking his head to try and clear it. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Why are you—why do you—what is making you—why are you so… _upset?_ ” Castiel could barely get a coherent thought to go through his head. “Why are you sorry? Why are you guilty? What did you do? Wh-why—what are you ashamed of?” 

“I thought that would be obvious,” Dean said, “I’m sorry I have an advantage over so many and I feel guilty about it, too. And I’m ashamed of the things I’m able to do to those who can’t fight back.” 

Castiel couldn’t look at Dean. Something inside him was telling him Dean _was_ being truthful, and that Dean was a good man… 

But…he was an alpha. And sooner or later, Dean was bound to show his true colors. 

“Leave,” Castiel said. “Leave now and stay the fuck away from me.” 

Dean’s face twisted up into a grimace. “Please, Cas,” he said. “Please, I can’t. You know I can’t.” 

Castiel had to pinch himself to keep his mind from drifting. “You can’t?” 

“I-it hurts. I’m not even ten feet away from you, but it hurts. I can feel the distance between us and I can’t—Cas, I can’t not want to be close to you,” Dean said. “I can’t stay away from you. You’re my true mate.” 

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek to suppress a whine, because his omega was stirring. It was reaching out and pointing at Dean, it made Castiel ache for the closeness he had with Dean yesterday. 

_But he was an alpha!_

Castiel tasted blood on his tongue and shook his head, letting go of his cheek and instead, grabbing a hold of his arm to dig his nails into his skin. This was new territory. Castiel couldn’t remember a time he’d been so at odds with his omega. Not even after that horrible night had he felt such opposing wants between the two of them. 

“Cas, please,” Dean said, his voice so broken and begging so desperately, “please don’t send me away.” 

Castiel looked up into Dean’s eyes and a spark of electricity ran through him again. It shocked him to his core and rattled him enough to let his guard down just enough. 

“Fine,” he said, and the way Dean’s face lit up almost made him smile back. “B-but you have to keep your distance.” 

Dean looked uncertain, but nodded anyway. “Okay.” 

“I still don’t trust alphas, and I don’t want to,” Castiel said, “I don’t like alphas. So, if we ever talk, it has to be with Arkangel near.” 

Dean nodded. “I understand, of course.” 

“And just so we‘re clear, I don’t want to do this,” Castiel said, “my omega is the one that wants to be near you.” 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up and his mouth curled into a beautiful smile. 

“Really?” he asked. 

“Don’t think too much into it.” Castiel huffed. “My omega is the one who thinks it’s a good idea I have heats.” 

Dean laughed softly. He nodded his head and kicked at the ground. “I’m sorry,” he said. Castiel rolled his eyes and took a step forward. 

“You still have to leave, Dean,” Castiel said, “I have to check on Arkangel’s progress and get ready for my next match. I can’t do that with you here.” 

Dean sighed and nodded. He turned to walk away, but suddenly pivoted to face Castiel again, a grim look on his face. “Look, Cas, Amara is going to keep trying to talk with you after matches,” he said, his voice lowering until Castiel had to strain to hear it. “Don’t open your door for her. Don’t let her talk to you, don’t answer her summons if she sends it, don’t engage with her. You don’t want what she’s trying to sell you. Trust me, _please_.” 

Castiel looked between Dean’s eyes a few times before he nodded. “Okay,” he said, “okay, I won’t.” 

Dean smiled. “Good. Thank you,” he said, turning back the way he came from. 

Once Castiel couldn’t hear his footsteps, he trusted it to move forward for a peek. Dean was nowhere to be seen…Castiel pushed down the tinge of disappointment he felt and entered his trailer. For the next few hours, he forced himself to focus on Arkangel. Only when exhaustion took over did he go to bed, dreaming of broad shoulders, green eyes, and freckles.


	6. Novocaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (& title insp.) - Novocaine by The Unlikely Candidates

**TIME SKIP**

**~~~ 4 Months Later ~~~**

Castiel didn’t want to trust an alpha. And in the time he’d know Dean, he still didn’t want to trust an alpha. But Dean was making it hard. 

The alpha would arrive after matches, sometimes with Amara (and those times Castiel just ignored the bell until he heard Dean’s telltale knock that meant Amara was gone) and sometimes he would come alone. The times Dean came alone were Castiel’s favorite. Dean was always in a good mood around him, but his shoulders didn’t sag when he came alone. His scent was lighter, his eyes brighter, and his voice clearer. Castiel found he liked Dean like that, even with Dean being an alpha. And even if Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to hate Dean, he still kept cautious, and was always passively linked to Arkangel. 

Four months of their meetings passed. It took four months before Dean finally asked about his scars. Castiel always knew they were the elephant in the room with anyone he met and most people just came out and asked. Dean didn't do that, though. They’d been talking about nothing, really, when Dean asked. His voice all quiet, like he was trying to have a private conversation despite them being the only two in the trailer. 

“Can I ask…about the scars?” 

Castiel unconsciously—out of instinct more than anything—almost activated the affinity link with Arkangel. He heard his beastie thump against the tank a few times and he almost left his own head before he was able to reel his reactions back in. 

“What do you want to know?” He asked, his voice clipped and tight. 

“Who gave them to you?” 

“Alphas.”

Dean was silent for a moment. “I mean… Is that why you don’t like alphas?” 

Castiel whipped his head up to look at Dean with a glare. “Are you stupid? I don’t like alphas because they do nothing but bring pain and suffering to those around him.” 

Dean nodded like he understood. A part of Castiel wanted to yell at him because Dean would never understand. But he knew if he made a stink about Dean not being able to understand, Dean would just agree with him on that front, too. Dean would just nod again and apologize. There was no point in saying anything, so Castiel went back to his task at hand: building a new robotic eye for Arkangel because in the last fight, the old one had been damaged. 

“May I ask how it happened?” Dean said, his voice not even holding the least bit of uncertainty. Castiel looked up and gave Dean a long hard stare, daring him to recant, to take back what he asked. Dean only matched his intensity with sincerity, his face soft while his posture was firm. 

“You want to know how I got my scars?” Castiel asked. 

Dean nodded and said, “I do.” 

Castiel stood up, putting the mechanical eye down and leaned against Arkangel’s tank. “Isn’t it obvious?” he asked. 

“Partly,” Dean said, “You’re an omega who doesn’t come from money living in a world full of alphas who won’t even try to keep their hands to themselves.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes even further at Dean. “So, of course, I’ve been raped,” he said. “That’s the part that’s obvious?” 

Dean frowned but nodded. “Yes.” 

Castiel scoffed, anger rising in him. “What is it really that you want to know, Dean? You want to know my _whole_ story? All of the ugly details?” 

“Whatever you’re comfortable telling me.” 

Castiel’s head twitched to the side. “That doesn’t really answer my question does it?” 

“I guess not technically,” Dean said, “But I understand how painful the past can be.” 

Castiel felt this coldness run down his spine and when he spoke he couldn’t keep the taunt or the venom out of his words. “Where do you want me to start, Dean?” 

“Cas, I—” 

“Want me to start on the morning of my eleventh birthday when I woke up to my first ever heat and my father and brother practically killing each other in a fight on who got to go first with me?” 

“Cas—” 

“I don’t know who won, still, to this day. All I know is that the only thing I saw for the next six days when I was even conscious, was my pillow or the floor as my father and brother took their turns ‘helping’ me through my heat.” 

“Cas—”

“That was the first time, Dean,” Castiel said, unable to stop himself from being angry. And the scary thing was that he wasn’t angry at Dean, but he couldn’t fucking stop himself from unleashing it all at Dean. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was a test for Dean; to see if this is what was going to push him over the limit. “You want to hear all the other times, Dean? Like how the alphas at school chased me home everyday when the teachers stopped looking, and sometimes they caught me. Or how every single one of my alpha teachers needed to give me extra help because I, _‘just wasn’t grasping the material’_? Or are you only interested in the alphas who made me look like this?” 

“Cas—” 

“I’ll tell you, Dean. I’ll tell you each time an alpha ‘wouldn’t keep their hands to themselves’,” Castiel spat Dean’s words back at him, “at least, the times I can remember. Because like you said, I’m an omega in a world where alphas don’t even try and keep their hands off.” 

“Cas—!” Dean stood up and took one step closer to Castiel. “Please—” 

“Please, what?! Dean, please what?” Castiel yelled, daring him to make a move. “What do you want from me, Dean?” 

“Stop,” Dean said quietly, “Cas, Stop. You’re shaking. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.” 

Castiel reeled back. “You’re sorry?” 

Dean frowned again at Castiel. “Yes… I upset you, and I’m sorry.” 

“What?” Castiel didn’t understand. “Stop—stop apologizing for everything!” 

“Sorry?” Dean questioned. 

“You apologize for everything!” Castiel glared at Dean. “Why?” 

“You should already know that. I mean, have you ever met another alpha that will apologize when an apology needs to be given?” Dean asked. “I haven’t.” 

Castiel balled his hands into fists. “Why do you, then?” 

“When an apology is due, I give it because I may be an alpha, but I’m also a man.” Dean moved closer again.

“That’s your reason? Because you have a conscience?” Castiel laughed mirthlessly when Dean shook his head. “Then why?” 

“Because I’m more than just my status, just as everyone else is. I’m an alpha, but that’s not all that I am.” Dean gestured to Castiel. “You’re an omega, but you’re not _just_ an omega.”

“And that’s why you apologize so much?” Castiel scoffed. “That’s ridiculous. You’re fucking ridiculous.” 

“Is it? Am I?” Dean asked, “I mean, would you rather me not apologize at all?” 

“I’d rather you not be here at all,” Castiel said, caught up in the moment. He let his emotions get the best of him and he growled at Dean. 

“Why?” Dean asked, moving closer, still. 

“Because you’re an alpha!” 

“And that’s the only reason?”

“Yes!” Castiel snapped, and Dean shook his head.

”I don’t think it is.”

”You’re an alpha, what more do I need to not like you?”

“Maybe you don’t, but I get the feeling there’s another reason,” Dean said, and he sounded so gentle that is made Castiel shake with rage because how?

“There’s not.”

“Why?” Dean asked again, and Castiel felt like stomping his feet like a child.

“You’re an alpha and alphas only take.” 

Dean took another step forward when Castiel looked away. “Why?”

“I don’t need any other reason—”

“Why?” Dean repeated, and Castiel felt this stab inside him.

“Shut up.”

“Why, Cas?” Dean asked again, and Castiel didn’t know how he did it but he was so gentle and sincere. He wasn’t coming off as pushy in the least and it baffled Castiel as to how he did it. “Cas, why? Please.” 

And that was what broke Castiel. _‘Please.’_

“Because you’re not like all the other alphas in the world!” Castiel shouted, unable to look at Dean for a moment. 

“What does that mean?” 

Castiel’s eyes snapped up to meet Dean’s and something in the air around them changed as Dean swayed forward towards him. And then it was like something inside Castiel cracked. Something Castiel had been keeping tightly sealed and locked up since he could remember cracked open, and the floodgates ripped off the hinges as he unloaded. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop himself from telling Dean everything.

“It means you treat me like a person!” he yelled, “It’s confusing and horrible. I’d rather you treat me the same way everyone treats me,” Castiel said, “I’d rather you’d just be like every alpha I’ve ever met!” 

“Why would you want that?” 

“Because then I’d be justified in hating you.”

“You hate me?” 

“Yes!” _Wrong!_ That was so wrong, and Castiel just _knew_ it. “No!” 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “What?” 

“I _want_ to hate you, but I don’t,” Castiel said. “I want to hate you, but I can’t.” 

“And that’s...bad?” 

“Yes!” Castiel flung his arms up to get his point across. “If I don’t hate you—if you’re not like every alpha in the world, then it means maybe I’ve been wrong about myse—“ Castiel’s throat closed before he could finish and he had to swallow several time before he could talk again. “It means I’ve been wrong about other things in my life, too.” 

Dean tilted his head to the side in questioning. “Other things? Like what?” 

Castiel shook his head. He didn’t want to share it with Dean. He didn’t want to bare his soul to him...but he also did, and he couldn’t stop himself. “Myself.” 

Dean’s face softened. “What do you mean?” 

“You say I’m your true mate, so that must mean that you think you’re in love with me,” Castiel said, his omega and his heart leaping at the nod Dean gave him. “But you _can’t_ love me. I-I…I’m not worthy of it. I’m not worthy of being loved. Not by anyone.” 

“Why would you think that?” Dean asked, his voice sounding like it was heartbroken. 

“B-because,” Castiel said. “I’m used. I’m soiled goods. I have no bite, yet I’ve been marked—inside and out—by so many alphas, Dean. So fucking many. I-I’m ugly, inside and out. I mean, you can see my scars, but that’s just the surface. So m-many alphas have—and I can’t be beautiful or pretty or anything. I’ve been marked by too many. I’m… I’m ugly.”

Dean lifted his hand like he was going to touch Castiel, and that’s when Castiel noticed how close they’d gotten. He should have backed away, he should have wanted to get as far away from the alpha in front of him as possible…but he didn’t back away; and he didn’t want to. He wanted Dean to touch him, a little bit. No matter how terrifying that was, he couldn’t stop himself from wanting it. 

“You’re not ugly, Cas,” Dean whispered. The emotion Castiel could see in Dean’s eyes and blooming in his scent in the air made Castiel’s heart flutter. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” 

“I… I can’t be,” Castiel said. 

“You are.” Dean smiled softly, smiled so beautifully and it was for Castiel. “You _really_ are. Inside,” he said, “and outside.” 

“Dean,” Castiel’s breath caught. He swayed forward, almost throwing caution to the wind, and wrapping his arms around Dean and Dean looked about ready to do the same… 

But just before Castiel could pull himself up to kiss Dean, Dean stepped back. He shook his head and coughed. 

“Cas, you’re not ugly,” he said. “You’re extraordinary. You’re stunning and beautiful a-and every other amazing word you don’t think describes you. You’re wonderful.” 

“I… Dean,” Castiel looked away, hoping to hide the heat he felt in his cheeks. He shook his head, but smiled as Dean’s scent settled in the air around him. 

Dean was quiet for a while, and Castiel was too, taking in and processing everything that had just happened. Castiel knew it wasn’t like himself to unload just like that, and it would be easy to just brush it off as he’d been keeping all this in a bubble for as long as he could remember and it finally burst, but Castiel was beginning to think maybe it was something more. Maybe it was something between him and Dean, or maybe just about Dean specifically.

“Cas,” Dean said, startling Castiel out of his thoughts. “I should go. Amara—” Castiel bristled at her name. “—will be wondering where I am. I’ve already been here past curfew.” 

“Right,” Castiel said, backing away from Dean. He watched the alpha turn around and walk away, his steps heavy, but insistent. When Dean was at the door to his trailer, Castiel blurted out, “You don’t love her, do you?” 

Dean turned around slowly, waiting until he was completely facing Castiel to answer. “No, I don’t. I never have.” 

“Then why do you stay with her, Dean?” Castiel studied Dean, his brows furrowing as this shadow seemed to drape over Dean’s entire being. 

“That’s a, uh…a story for another time,” Dean said, “I’ll see you soon?”

Castiel gave a nod, and then Dean was gone. 

|~~~|

Castiel didn’t feel he could go to Rachel with anything Dean-related, so he’d asked Gadreel to talk. And as he explained what his encounters with Dean had been like the past month or so, Gadreel had sat and listened. Never interrupting or looking judgemental or bewildered. 

When Castiel finally took a pause and started fidgeting, Gadreel got up and got Castiel a glass of water. He still didn’t say anything as he handed it to Castiel, only let Castiel take it and process for a minute or two. 

“Are you alright?” Gadreel finally asked.

“What is happening to me?” Castiel asked, taking a long, deep drink of water. “I just lose it around Dean. One moment everything is going fine, and then I’m so angry and worked up, and then we get close and I’m fine again. I’m… So open with him. I share with him things I would _never_ share with anyone. Things I don’t even admit to myself.” 

Gadreel nodded. “Sounds like his scent is just activating your mate and nest instinct.” 

“ _I’m sorry?_ ” Castiel asked in disbelief. “My _‘mate and nest’_ instinct? What the fucking hell is that? I have never, ever, heard of that.” 

“Well, considering you’d never heard of true mates, that doesn’t surprise me.” Gadreel shrugged. “But it sounds like, when you’re close enough to talk and see each other, but not scent each other while you’re content and your scents are a bit more muted, your omega—your wolf, starts to get angry because it wants to be closer to its mate, your mate. So, it drives you to act up and throw a tantrum until it gets what it wants.” 

“ _What?_ ” 

“Yeah, it happens to true mates. Saw it with my sister first hand. When her mate was overseas and she’d call him, afterwards, she’d get cranky and irritable for months. And then the moment she was able to scent and hold her again, she was all better,” Gadreel said, like it was no big deal. 

“Well, that may be true for your sister, but that’s just not true for me,” Castiel said, ignoring the pang of _wrong_ he felt in those words. Gadreel blinked at him, taking a moment to stare. 

“Okay. It’s not true,” he said. 

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “It’s not true. ‘Cause Dean and I a-aren’t…” 

“True mates?” Gadreel supplied. Castiel ignored the pang from his omega in his stomach and nodded. 

“We’re not,” he said. “He’s an alpha.” 

“Not to point out the obvious, but only alphas and omegas can have true mates.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I was saying.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Gadreel waved Castiel off. “All alphas are bad, they do nothing but bring destruction and pain, yadda, yadda, yadda.” 

“Are you trying to say they don’t?” 

“No, I definitely agree with you. But Dean? I mean, has he even touched you? In any way?” Gadreel asked. “Besides that first night.” 

Castiel swallowed. “No.” 

“So…” Gadreel shrugged again. “What do you really think, Cas? Is he like all those other alphas? Is he trustworthy? Do you like him?” 

Castiel looked at Gadreel for a long moment, contemplating answering him. Instead, he shook his head, chiding himself for falling for Gadreel’s tactic. “Stop it, none of that matters.” 

“Well… Doesn’t _all_ of that matter?” 

Castiel’s head swam with unanswerable questions and answers for questions he didn’t even have. Questions he didn’t even know existed. Question he thought he didn’t want to exist. 

Was Dean like every other alpha Castiel had met? Was Dean truthful? Was he kind? Did he have some ulterior motive? Was he just biding his time before he could strike? Was Dean trustworthy? Did Castiel like him? 

The simple and _right_ answer, obviously, Castiel thought to himself: _he’s an alpha_. 

But some small voice in the back of his head corrected him and terrified him to no end: _he’s_ my _alpha_.


	7. Sinners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (& title insp.) - Sinners by Barns Country

**TIME SKIP**

**~~~6 Months Later~~~**

Castiel hated this day, naturally. It was his birthday; and the anniversary—if you could even call it that—of his first heat as well as the night those raiders got him. Castiel didn’t celebrate his birthday because of those things, so all he really wanted to do was sleep. His own bed wasn’t an option because there were people in his trailer. Rachel had invited some photographers and journalists to interview her and Gadreel about him and their team being the only one with an omega pilot. Castiel didn’t want to deal with questions being hurled at him one after another or photographs being taken of him right after a fight. Better to let Rachel and Gadreel figure out that maze, because Castiel wouldn’t do it. 

Instead, he just made his way to the victor’s suite, and he let himself in, locking the door and checking several times that it was locked tight before he dragged himself to the master bedroom. Before he was even halfway there, though, he felt _he_ was here before any knock on his door told him Dean had arrived. Castiel was already several steps back towards the door when he heard the knock Dean had established as his own, and Castiel opened the door willingly to let the alpha inside. 

In the time he’d known Dean, especially in the past six months, Castiel had felt his draw towards Dean deepen and strengthen. He could sense Dean before he saw him, could feel emotions he felt when they got powerful enough, and sometimes Dean didn’t even need to say anything for Castiel to know what he was thinking. 

“Hey Cas,” Dean said, his voice light and cheery. Castiel felt the weight in his shoulders lighten just a fraction as he looked into Dean’s eyes. 

“Hello Dean,” he said, stepping aside to let Dean inside his suite. 

Dean walked slowly inside, a deep, thoughtful look on his face. He took a seat on the edge of one of the couches in the living room, and looked at his feet. Castiel closed the door quietly. He didn’t want to jolt Dean from whatever thought he was having because it seemed important. Castiel could tell. 

When several minutes passed by, and after Castiel had shuffled his way to the other couch and sat opposite Dean, Castiel finally spoke up. 

“You okay?” He asked. Dean nodded his head minutely, shifting his posture before looking up at Castiel and searching his face seriously. Castiel felt his face grow warm from the intensity and looked away. “You’re acting odd tonight.” 

“I don’t mean to,” Dean said, “I’m just… I asked you a while ago how you got your scars—” Castiel sat up straight and wrapped his arms around himself as Dean continued, “—and you never told me.” 

“I didn’t?” 

“No,” Dean said. “I don’t mean to be pushy when I ask, but… I’d like to know? If you’re up for telling me.” 

Castiel flicked his eyes to Dean, breathing in deeply to calm himself. Dean was close enough for him to scent, and the warmth coming from him was comforting. 

“Okay.” Castiel rolled his head to stretch his neck and ease some of the tension in his shoulders. “Where do you want me to start?” 

Dean didn’t look surprised by him at all, instead just gave a small, appreciative smile. “Who was it?” 

“A gang of pirate raiders,” Castiel said. “Three of them had waited to get me alone before they grabbed me. And then four more appeared and… You can fill in the rest.” 

Dean whispered, “They raped you?” 

“Yeah. All seven of them. They took turns at first, then rested before doing it again.” Castiel looked down at his lap, pushing down the memories that began rising. “And they kept me from escaping them for hours. Made me do horrible things for them.” 

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean said, “I’m sorry.” 

Castiel almost looked up at Dean. “Look, I don’t like talking about this and I really don’t want to go into detail about all of what they did.” 

“I understand, Cas. It’s okay,” Dean said. 

“But, uh, yeah, a-after they all had decided they’d had their fill of raping, beating, and humiliating me, I begged them to kill me. That would have just been the end of my suffering, though, so obviously they didn’t kill me. Instead they agreed they didn’t want me to ever go one day without remembering them—remembering how ugly they’d made me. The one who seemed like the leader of the gang, he... He took out his knife and started carving.” 

“Cas…” 

“I was barely conscious at that point, but I remember hearing the most _horrible_ screams I’d ever heard before. I didn’t realize that I’d been the one screaming until months later when I woke up from a coma. I was telling one of the nurses what happened and she piped in that it had probably been me or Rachel screaming. I knew it had been me—my voice making that _horrible_ sound…” Castiel shuddered and shook his head, the faint memory of those screams made his eyes itch. “Anyway, uh, yeah. That’s what happened.”

Dean was silent for a short while. Castiel could tell by his scent what he was feeling. Anger and disgust—towards the alphas who’d hurt him; sorrow and sympathy—for what he’d had to go through; and weaved through it all was love—for him. 

“I wish I could say something to make your pain go away,” Dean said calmly, “I know there isn’t anything I can say to make what you’ve been through any easier, but I need you to know, Cas, that you don’t have to go through it alone.” 

Castiel finally looked up at Dean and immediately wished he hadn’t because the pure, raw, profound emotion in Dean’s eyes was too much. It was just too much to bear because Castiel still couldn’t believe he was worthy, that he wasn’t ugly inside and out. 

Castiel stood up abruptly. “I’m tired,” he said, “I need to go to bed.” 

“Oh, yeah. I mean, of course,” Dean said, sounding confused as he stood up. Castiel hurried over to his bedroom door, but hesitated before opening it. Dean spoke up and asked, “Are you alright?” 

Castiel looked over his shoulder at Dean. “Yes,” he said, “I am.” 

“Okay. If you’re sure?” Castiel nodded in answer. Dean looked over his face and Castiel knew that Dean knew there was something he wasn’t saying, but Dean just nodded his head like he was trying to say he understood why Castiel couldn’t ask it now. Dean smiled softly, tenderly...lovingly, and said, “Goodnight, Cas. I’ll stay out here?” 

“Yeah,” Castiel said, maybe a little too eagerly in answer. Dean’s face softened and his eyes shone at that and it made Castiel blush deeply. He looked away from Dean quickly and entered his room, shutting the door quickly. He stared at it for a few long seconds and then went back up to it, debating on whether to open it or not. In the end, Castiel didn’t. He knew if he opened it again, he wouldn’t be able to ask Dean what he wanted. Instead, Castiel called through the door. “When we first met you mentioned something about your brother.” 

A long enough while later, long enough for Castiel to almost speak up again, Dean’s voice filtered in through the door. “I did,” he said. 

“What about him?” Castiel pressed his ear against the door, his gut telling him that the answer to this wasn’t one to be shouted out. 

“His name is Sam and he’s my world. Everything I do, I do to give him a better life. My mom was murdered by some jealous beta friends of my dad when I was very young. Sam was still a baby.” Dean was quiet for a little while. “My dad spent all his time with a bottle to his lips or out hunting the betas who killed our mom. And because of that, I raised Sam. All by myself because someone had to, and I was happy to do it.” 

Castiel felt his heart hurt for Dean and his brother. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, not even sure Dean heard it through the door. 

“I did whatever I could to give Sam a better life,” Dean continued, “but there isn’t much need for a teenage alpha in the workplace, so…”

Castiel understood then. “So you turned to escorting.” 

“Yes.” Dean’s voice broke with that word, and so did Castiel’s heart. “For the first few years, I was just a street whore. Omega’s are far and few between, and the ones that did come for an escort didn’t like my young face. It was the same with the betas. They didn’t want some _pretty little thing_. They wanted the bigger, stronger, manly alphas.” 

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and turned to lean back against the door. If omegas and betas didn’t want Dean, there wasn’t anyone left but… “Was your first time—”

“Three alpha’s,” Dean said. “My first paying job was servicing three alpha’s.” 

“Did they…?” 

“No, I was lucky. I never had clients that wanted to fuck me. I was _pretty_ , so all they really wanted was me on my knees,” Dean said, “Only until I hit my growth spurt and got taller and bigger than all of them. Then they stopped paying attention to me.” 

Castiel could feel his eyes itching. “That is still rape,” he said, cursing whatever being that would let this happen—to him, to Dean, to anyone. 

“Maybe,” Dean said, “But I was fine with it because it meant money. It meant Sam didn’t go hungry, and it meant he was safe.”

“Where is he now?” 

“Engaged to a beta from a wealthy family. He does truly love her, too. True mates don’t happen outside of alpha-omega relationships...but I believe they are true mates, in their own way—designations be damned.” Dean let out a small, relieved chuckle. “Sam’s living the life I always wanted for him. The life he deserves.” 

“That’s good.” Castiel rubbed at his eyes until he saw spots behind his eyelids. “Dean, are you happy?”

“I’ve always been alright when Sam was happy,” Dean said, “As long as he didn’t have to deal with the world I lived in, I was okay.”

“You were alright.” Castiel shook his head even though Dean couldn’t see it. “But were you happy? Are you happy now?” 

“I…” Dean paused again before answering. “Maybe I wasn’t, And maybe I’m not now, but Sam is—he’s _safe_.” 

_Safety_. Something alphas and betas didn’t have to worry about. “What is he?” 

“He’s an…” Dean trailed off and Castiel’s stomach dropped. 

“He’s an omega.” 

“Yes.” 

Castiel felt like screaming. “He’ll never be safe, Dean,” he said. “As long as there are alphas in this world, he’ll never be safe from them.” 

“You’re wrong,” Dean said, “because as long as I’m around, he’ll never have to fear them. I’ll never let one get near enough to hurt him.” 

“That’s very valiant, Dean, but—”

“He’s living on a compound with his fiancé,” Dean said. 

Castiel ran his hand through his hair and swallowed the lump in his throat. He let his head fall back against the door and he smiled in relief. “Really?” 

“Yes.” 

“ _Good_.” Sam would be safe there. Alphas and male betas weren’t allowed. Only omegas and female betas. And they were guarded by military combat androids. Nothing got past them or the walls. They were only populated with the rich and famous’ omega children and they were few and far between. A lot of people didn’t even believe these compounds even existed, so how Dean could afford it was beyond Castiel. 

Until he really thought about it and thought about Dean’s employment to Amara. “That’s why you’re with Amara?” 

“As long as I let her do what she wants with me, she pays for Sam’s spot in Heaven,” Dean said. Castiel realized then the true hell Dean was in. 

“You’re…” Castiel turned around to face the door. 

“It doesn’t matter what happens to me. I’m an alpha and there are _so many_ alphas in this world already,” Dean said. “All that matters is Sam. And being with Amara…” Castiel heard shuffling from the other side of the door. “Look, Cas, I’ve had to kill to keep Sam safe. And I would do it again, but being with Amara is so much easier and better for the both of us.” 

“Does Sam know what you have to go through?” Castiel asked, and the deafening silence that followed was answer enough. 

“I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve done to keep Sam safe,” Dean said. Castiel’s vision went blurry from unshed tears and he slid down to sit on the floor with his back against the door. “And I would do it again and again to keep him safe. Cas, I would do anything to keep the omegas I care about safe.” 

“Dean.” 

“Maybe this doesn’t mean anything to you,” Dean said, his voice thick with emotion, “maybe you’ll never want to be with me—and that’s okay, but I want you to know I would do absolutely anything to keep you safe.”

Castiel closed his eyes and replayed that over again in his head. 

_I would do absolutely anything to keep you safe. I would do anything to keep you safe. Anything to keep you safe. I would keep you safe…I will keep you safe._

Dean had done so much for his brother. He’d done everything he could to keep him safe from alphas, and he’d never taken advantage of his status against those who couldn’t fight back. Hell, the first night Castiel met Dean, Dean had practically killed Alastair to keep the alpha from raping him. And every night since then, he’d been happy to just talk—and with no mention of repayment for what he’d done.

Dean answered every question Castiel had, took every scathing or hurtful comment about his status from Castiel and agreed, he’d never gotten angry or upset, never pushed Castiel’s limits, never raised his voice at Castiel, Gadreel, or even Rachel. 

Castiel pushed himself off the floor and turned to the door, his heart beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. 

“Cas? You asleep?” Dean said softly. Castiel took a deep breath and reached to open the door, pulling it open slowly. He saw Dean scramble to stand up, and as Dean stretched to his full height, Castiel looked into his eyes. “What are you doing?” Dean asked, stepping away from the door. 

Castiel reached out and grabbed Dean’s wrist, stopping them both in their tracks as something electric rushed through both of them at the contact. 

“Dean,” Castiel whispered, wanting to say more, but it felt like if he did, he might just break down. Instead, he let go of Dean’s wrist, but kept his hand on the inside of his arm. 

“Cas, you don’t have to—”

“I want to,” Castiel said, sliding his hand up to rest on Dean’s shoulder, moving closer to the man when he couldn’t extend his arm anymore. He could feel his omega reacting the closer he got to Dean, and he liked the way it felt to be in touch with his omega again. Dean’s breathing began coming out in harsh pants, and Castiel knew Dean was using every last muscle in his body to restrain himself from touching, but Castiel didn’t want that. Castiel wanted Dean to touch him, and wanted to be in the alpha’s arms. 

“Cas, stop,” Dean said, his muscles flexing and his arms twitching forward only for him to pull them back. “Stop, I can’t.” 

“I want you to touch me,” Castiel said, gasping as Dean’s scent spiked in the air. “Hold me.”

“You want me to…?”

Castiel nodded, stepping forward into Dean’s body and sliding his arms around his neck. It felt right, it felt good, and it felt natural. And then Dean’s arms wrapped around him and he was pulled firmly against Dean’s body. He felt tears come to his eyes again at how right it felt to be in Dean’s arms. A part of himself had worried that maybe he had only felt so safe near Dean that morning after they first met because Dean had saved him. Now, though, it felt even better being this close to him. 

Castiel rested his head so that his face was pressed into Dean’s neck. Tears began falling from his eyes because this? This felt like safety, this felt like getting to choose... This was like coming home after a long day. Dean felt like his mate, his alpha, just _his_. 


	8. Pilgrims

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and title inspiration) - Pilgrims by New Dialogue

Dean loved Castiel. It was plain and simple. He was totally, completely, profoundly in love with the omega. He loved spending time with him and talking about everything they could think of. Dean would do utterly anything for Castiel, and he would do it with love in his heart, a smile on his face, and the words _“yes, beautiful omega”_ immediately falling from his lips. 

Whenever Dean was with Castiel, all his worries went away and he could just be with the omega. He could just spend all his time being with Castiel without thinking about the world beyond the two of them. But then, eventually he had to leave Castiel. And each time it was like a part of him was left with the omega. 

The feeling of being incomplete was horrible. It distracted him from what he was supposed to be doing with Amara and got him in trouble. And, well, it wasn’t like Dean really cared if he got in trouble, but he wasn’t fond of the cuts and marks she left when she got mad at him. Furthermore, Dean definitely wasn’t a fan of the worried scent Castiel gave off when he saw the wounds. He hated it when he worried his omega. 

_His…omega_. A smile came to Dean’s face as he thought about a world in which Castiel was his, and he was Castiel’s. Dean felt such euphoria when he imagined Castiel and him together. 

He imagined them mated. A bite on Castiel’s neck, and a matching scar on his own. He imagined Castiel all round with their pups and Dean couldn’t help but let out a small whine. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” 

Dean’s smile fell, and he remembered where he was: Amara’s suite. She was in the bathroom getting ready for the match tonight. 

“Nothing,” he said, throwing the covers off himself and getting up to get dressed. “Nothing is wrong with me.” 

Amara laughed dryly. “You sounded like you were in pain,” she said, “or that you needed a good fuck.” 

Dean looked up from his dresser to meet her eyes in the mirror. 

“I’m not in pain,” he said emotionlessly, going back to pick out his outfit for tonight. “And I don’t need to fuck right now either.” 

“Fine.” Amara’s tone was tight, and Dean knew he had angered her. “Don’t go around whining if you don’t need me, then.” 

Dean rolled his eyes as he pulled out a nice pair of pants and pulled them on. “Yes, Amara.” 

“That’s what I like to hear,” she said to herself before slamming the bathroom door shut. Dean bit his tongue to keep himself in check. Sometimes he just wanted to strangle Amara. She was so easy to anger and so hard to appease when they went to the arena matches. The only way he could make it up to her was to completely submit to whatever she wanted after they got home. Sometimes that meant sex, but usually it meant a brutal night of—what she called fun, but it was torture for Dean. 

Amara liked knives, and she liked using them on Dean almost too much. He didn’t have scars because Amara was smart. She didn’t want to mark him, she just wanted to hurt him. And seeing as he’d just upset her, tonight would be hard to get through for more than one reason. 

Castiel was going into the ring tonight. He was going up against Crowley, a retired beastie fighter. He’d had a long winning streak until his beastie had been torn apart. He retired just days later, even though a pilot’s entire life was bet on their beastie. To lose was basically to start from the absolute bottom again. Dean knew that that meant he had taken Amara’s deal, and spent the last ten years living a life of bliss. And Dean knew that him coming out of retirement meant nothing good. 

And the fact that Amara hasn’t been able to get Castiel alone to offer him one of her demon deals, she was even more obsessed with Castiel. Amara never told him what her plans were exactly, but Dean knew when one of her plans had death and destruction in the end. And he was worried about Castiel. Dean knew Castiel could handle himself. Hell, Castiel was the most capable person that Dean knew, and he honestly thought that Castiel could do anything. But that didn’t stop him from worrying about his mate. 

|~~~|

“That was fucking epic!” Castiel heard a man say from somewhere close behind him. He was waiting for his and Gadreel’s complimentary bottle of whatever and minding his own business. “I love Arkangel and that omega pilot is awesome!” 

Castiel smiled to himself as two men came up to the bar just a few feet down from where he stood. 

“This was his one hundredth fight, too! He’s about to break the winning streak record,” another man said. “The omega pilot—what’s his name? Cassiel?” 

“No, no way. It’s something like Castell,” the first man said. 

“That doesn’t sound right,” the second one responded. 

“Well you weren’t right either!” 

Castiel couldn’t help but feel a little miffed that they didn’t know his name. If he were an alpha, they would be talking in depth about how cool his name was and how badass it sounded for a beastie pilot. 

“Here’s the absinthe,” the bartender said. Castiel grabbed it and was about to leave when the two men began talking again. 

“Dude calm down, it doesn’t matter,” the second man said, “Whatever his name is, it’s amazing that his alpha lets him have a beastie and lets him fight in the arena with it.” 

“True that!” 

Castiel rolled his eyes and turned to the direction he heard the men talking and interrupted, “Hey!” he said loud enough for them to look over, and when they did, Castiel didn’t miss the way their eyes widened and their mouths dropped open. “Arkangel’s pilot’s name is _Castiel_ , for the record. And another thing for the record, he isn’t mated. He doesn’t have an alpha or a mate that _allows_ him to do anything because he does what he wants. No one can tell him what to do or not to do.” 

“Holy shit!” The first man said as the second one just stared. Castiel put on a forced smile before he turned and walked away. He heard the first man say “that was the omega pilot!” at the same time the second said “that was Arkangel’s pilot!” The two of them continued to shout at each other, but Castiel shoved them out of his mind and made his way back to the table Gadreel had claimed as theirs. He sat down with a huff as he reached it and almost slammed the bottle of absinthe on the table. 

“Whoa there, Cas!” Gadreel said, his voice a little deeper than normal. He’d already downed a few drinks bought for him by some cute betas. “Who gave you that lemon that’s got your face all twisted?” 

Castiel rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Some assbutts at the bar. They were arguing over what my name was.” 

“Oh,” Gadreel hummed. 

“If I were an alpha they would know my name and would want it tattooed on their asses,” Castiel continued, “but since I’m an omega I’m just ‘that omega pilot’ or ‘Arkangel’s pilot’.” 

“Yeah.” Gadreel nodded, reaching for the absinthe. 

“It’s disrespectful,” Castiel said as Gadreel opened the bottle and brought the mouth up so he could smell it first. 

“I agree, Cas,” he said, and then tilted the bottle up to take a drink. 

“And then they had the nerve to say how it was nice I was allowed to be a pilot. That it was _‘awesome my alpha_ let _me_ ’.” Castiel sat back in his chair. “Fucking ridiculous.” 

“Whoa mama!” Gadreel yelled as he set the absinthe back on the table. “That is strong!” He took another swig and smiled ridiculously wide at the label. “Not to straight up change the conversation on you, but damn, this kinda tastes like some kind of cleaner!” 

Castiel tried to be mad, tried to be even a little miffed at Gadreel for taking away from the point he was trying to make, but he wasn’t. Honestly, he knew what Gadreel was doing, and he was thankful for the fact he had a friend who could distract him from the stupidity of people sometimes. 

“Give me some,” he said, grabbing the absinthe from Gadreel’s hands. 

“You’re not gonna like it,” Gadreel said in warning. Castiel shrugged. 

“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said and then tipped the bottle all the way upside down and gulped down some of the clear liquid. It burned going down, but Castiel ignored it and instead just chugged for a good five seconds before putting the bottle back down on the table. He gave it another few seconds to settle in before meeting Gadreel’s gaze again. There was a little smirk on his face and questioning in his eyes. Castiel shrugged again and shook his head. “You were right,” he said, “I really did not like that.” 

Gadreel threw his head back and laughed, grabbing the bottle back for himself as he came back to himself and he and Castiel settled into an easy conversation full of jokes, happiness, and a little shop talk thrown in. These were Castiel’s favorite times after matches, and ever since he’d met Dean, he’d been having more of them. The past didn’t haunt him so obsessively, and his future didn’t seem so daunting. 

And the fact that Rachel didn’t attend these after parties anymore didn’t bother him as much because he didn’t do anything wrong. There was a period of time where Castiel blamed himself for Rachel hanging out with them less and less, but Dean and ultimately Gadreel, really, we’re the ones to snap him out of it. Now, it was usually just Gadreel and him spending a few hours together after a fight. And Castiel really didn’t want it any other way. 

“Castiel Novak,” someone said from Castiel’s right. 

Castiel looked up and frowned as he saw Amara Shurley standing by his table looking down on him. 

“Amara Shurley?” Gadreel whispered, setting the almost empty bottle of absinthe down. 

“It’s good to finally meet you,” Amara said, smiling wide. Her teeth were almost too white and if Castiel hadn’t chugged some of that absinthe, he probably would have been slightly worried. But in his buzzed state, he was just upset Amara came and messed up his time with Gadreel. “I’ve been trying to chat for quite some time, and I had hoped it would be in a more private setting than this, but you are a hard one to catch.” 

“Okay,” Castiel said, “Well, I’m sure we can talk later if you want a more private place.” 

“So you can continue to avoid me?” Amara said, her voice dripping with fake sweetness. “That’s alright, dear, I’d rather just talk now.” She flicked her hand out behind her and that’s when Castiel noticed Dean standing behind her. He was pale and looked like he was going to be sick as he stepped forward and pulled Amara’s seat out for her to sit. The state of Dean’s appearance sobered Castiel up and he felt this primal urge to protect what was his. 

“Fine.” Castiel looked at Dean and waited for him to look back, but he stood next to Amara and stared straight ahead. He tried to do something with his scent to get Dean to notice him. The way Dean was acting scared Castiel and he felt like a fight was coming on. He turned away from Dean and looked straight at Amara. “What do you want?” 

Amara’s smile faltered, but she quickly recovered. “Well, I wanted to discuss a deal with you.” 

“Obviously.” 

Amara’s smile fell off her face and her lips pressed into a thin line. “Throw the next fight you’re in,” she said. Castiel took a moment to process that, looking at Gadreel to make sure he’d heard right. 

And then he laughed. Just a little at first, but then he couldn’t stop himself. It took minutes to calm down and when he did, he almost started laughing again at the look on Amara’s face. He just shook his head and leaned back in his chair. “No,” he said. 

“I'm prepared to offer you a substantial amount of money in return.” Amara said. Castiel couldn’t stop the bubble of laughter from slipping out as he shook his head. Amara’s mouth twitched up in the corner and she almost looked triumphant. “You haven’t even heard my offer,” she said. 

“You could give me—”

“One million.” Amara smirked and sat back in her chair. Castiel heard Gadreel react to that by choking on his gulp of absinthe, but Castiel didn’t care because as he had just tried to tell her: she could offer him all the money in the world and it still wouldn’t make a difference. But Amara just continued to smile as she said, “That’s more that you could ever hope to earn in the fights in your lifetime.” 

Castiel nodded. “You’re not wrong,” he said, shrugging. “But my answer is still no.” 

Amara’s smile fell off her face before it twisted up into a fiery look of anger. “You’d turn down one million? You’d never have to fight again. You’d never have to worry about anything ever again!” 

Castiel could still feel the gulps of absinthe in his system and couldn’t stop himself no matter how hard he tried from straightening up and leaning towards Amara. He lowered his voice and looked deep into her eyes. “I don’t fight for the money,” he said. Amara’s eyes went cold and dead in an instant. 

“What do you want then?” She said, “I can get you anything. Name your price and I’ll get it done.” 

“You don’t get it, do you?” Gadreel said. “This isn’t about money or fame or pride.” 

“Name,” Amara began, enunciating each word, “Your. Price.” 

“I _have_ no price,” Castiel said, “There’s nothing you could give me in exchange for me taking a dive in my next fight.” 

Amara scowled at him. “Everyone has a price.”

“Get out of here, Amara,” Castiel said, shaking his head slowly. “I won’t lose just because you told me to. I would rather die.” 

Amara sat still for a second and then stood up slowly, looking at Castiel the entire time. “That,” she said, “can be arranged.” 

Castiel snorted. “Fuck off,” he said, laughing to himself as fire raged behind Amara’s eyes. 

“I do hope you reconsider,” she said, and then turned on her heels. She stormed out with Dean in tow right after her. 

~~~

“I think congratulations are in order,” Dean said. Castiel smiled wide and turned around to see Dean standing at the door of his trailer. 

“Dean,” Castiel said, motioning for him to come in and take a seat at his desk. “I did really good tonight, didn’t I?” 

“You did,” Dean said as he took a seat next to Castiel. “I knew you could do it, but man, I am still impressed by your talent.” 

Castiel blushed a light pink at the smile Dean gave him. “Thank you, Dean,” he said softly, smiling just as Dean was. 

Silence followed after that, and Castiel could feel Dean staring at him as the quiet dragged on. But Castiel liked the attention. Especially since it was Dean, he liked when Dean looked at him. 

“So, uh, hey,” Dean coughed and straightened up in his seat. “I, uh, I have some good news. Some really good news.” 

Castiel looked back up at Dean, still smiling. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Dean nodded. “My brother, Sam, he’s getting married next month.” 

Castiel’s heart leapt in his chest. “Really?” 

“It’s actually the same day of your fight at Hunter Arena?”

“That’ll be my first fight at that arena,” Castiel said, a little wave of pride washing over him because Hunter Arena was huge. It was the last stop for a lot of pilots before retirement because when you’ve reached the top, where else is there to go? Castiel turned to Dean with a smile on his face and continued, “it’s the biggest arena in the world, you know? People come from all over in hopes of getting a ticket to watch a fight and pilots spend their entire careers aiming to fight there.”

“Yeah. It’s Amara’s favorite. She spends a lot of time there,” Dean said. He face fell a little and he looked about to say more, but Castiel stopped him.

“Your brother?” Castiel asked. “What’s the good news?” 

“Oh! Right! Yeah, uh, he’s set a date and he’s getting married,” Dean said. Castiel felt his face break out into a huge smile. It almost hurt, how wide he was smiling. 

“That’s great!” 

Dean nodded again. “Yeah. And once he is married, I my contract with Amara expires. I can finally leave and you and I—”

“We can be together,” Castiel said, almost unable to even get the words out because of how excited he was. 

“Yeah… If you’ll have me, of course,” Dean said, almost sounding uncertain. Castiel giggled softly at that because of course he wanted Dean. He wanted Dean more than he’d wanted anything in the world. 

“I’ll have you,” Castiel said. Dean smiled wide again. His scent, beyond happy and utterly content, bloomed in the room Castiel was about to surge forward and kiss Dean because he felt this heat beginning to rise in him. Dean was happy with him, and he was content with him. Dean was feeling good about himself and the future because of _him_. 

It was a powerful feeling to feel for Castiel. He’d never felt anything like what he felt for Dean before and he knew—Castiel knew he would never want to feel it for anyone but Dean. But before Castiel could do it, before he could kiss Dean, Dean’s scent changed and it turned sour. 

“Cas, look, before we get any further into things, I need to warn you,” Dean began, “I really don’t want to make you unhappy, but speaking of Amara…” 

Castiel inched away from Dean. “What about Amara?” 

“She’s… Cas, Amara isn’t someone to go against,” he said. “She can be scary and she always gets what she wants.” 

Castiel sighed and leaned back against his stool. “I’m not scared of Amara, Dean,” he said. “She’s just a person. You make her out to be this demon, when she isn’t. She’s just a person.” 

“Amara is dangerous, Cas,” Dean said, “And I’m not saying that you have to lose your next match, you just—you have to be careful because Amara will come after you. I’m not supposed to know this, but she’s sending you up against Lucifer.” 

Castiel’s eyes widened. “Lucifer?” 

Yes,” Dean said. 

“You mean, the most successful pilot from back when it was still illegal to fight…That Lucifer?” 

Dean nodded. “He’s coming only out of retirement for one fight. Against you.”

“That’s… Didn’t Crowley only come out of retirement with his new beastie just to fight me?” Castiel asked, “Am I making that much of an impact on the arena fighting?” 

“Cas! Of course you are! Amara loses hundreds of thousands of dollars when Arkangel’s name appears in the upcoming fights of the week. People don’t bet when you fight because there’s no one in their right mind who will bet against you!” Dean turned away from Castiel just slightly. “Amara is pulling all the pilots she can from her web to throw at you because she’s tired of losing money over you. Your last ten fights have been Amara working her ass off to find a team who can beat you. And she’s willing to do whatever it takes to bring you down,” Dean said, his voice shaking in a way that Castiel was certain he was the only one who would be able to hear it. “After how you told her to go fuck herself in public earlier… She’s done with you and wants you gone. She’s past making you one of her demon deals.” 

“Demon deals?” Castiel’s brows furrowed. “What is that?” 

Dean sighed. “She rigs the fights. Makes deals with fighters who are doing well. She tells them to lose a fight that she sets up against someone who would never stand a chance against them if it were a fair match. I’ve never known someone to refuse because people are too scared to say no to her,” he said, “She’s been trying to make that same deal with you for the past year, Cas, it’s why she would visit your trailer. It’s why I was able to spend so much time with you.” 

Castiel leaned back in his seat. “So, I either lose my next fight or something bad happens?” 

“Yes.” Dean said. Castiel shook his head, because he couldn’t—he wouldn’t lose. “I know you won’t, Cas, I mean I know you and I know why you go in there. I don’t want you to throw that fight.” 

“Why tell me this then?” Castiel asked. Dean turned back to face Castiel. 

“Because I need you to be _careful_ ,” Dean began, his voice breaking and thick with unshed tears, “I need you to be safe. I need you to promise me you will not underestimate Amara and if she comes for you, I need you to protect yourself above _everything_ else because _I can’t lose you_.” 

Castiel darted his gaze between Dean’s watering eyes, blinking away the itch he felt behind his own eyes. “Okay,” he said, and a tear finally fell down Dean’s face, “Yeah, of course, Dean. I promise.” 

“Just,” Dean paused, he wiped the tear from his face and rubbed at his eyes to stop more from falling. “Just be careful, please.” 

Castiel pushed off his stool and moved closer to Dean. He reached up and pulled Dean’s hands away, peering up into his eyes. “I will,” he whispered, “I promise Dean, I will.” 

Another tear fell down Dean’s face and Castiel wiped it away. He stepped forward into Dean’s personal space, cupping the alpha’s cheek. And then that feeling from before sparked back to life. That heat inside him ignited and it made him surge forward to kiss Dean. 

When Dean kissed back, Castiel moaned into it because it felt so good. It felt so good to want this and it felt good that it was Dean he was kissing. And it made that heat Castiel felt flourish in his body. It made Castiel wild for Dean and all Castiel truly wanted was to be closer to the alpha. 

Castiel began practically trying to climb into Dean’s lap as they kissed frantically. He wanted to be as close to Dean as possible and being pressed up against him wasn't good enough. Castiel wanted more, he wanted—.

“Dean!” Castiel gasped. That heat he felt low in his stomach… That was desire. That was lust. For Dean. “Oh, fuck. Dean, fuck!” 

“What?” Dean asked, breathlessly. “What is it? Are you okay?” 

Castiel shook his head. “No.” He pulled away from Dean and slid off his lap onto his own legs. “I’m not.” Castiel pulled Dean up from the stool and tugged the alpha with him as he walked back towards his bed. 

“Am I going too fast?” Dean asked and Castiel shook his head. “We can just talk, Cas, I—” Dean let out a small _‘oof’_ as Castiel spun them around as soon as they reached his bed and pushed Dean to sit down. “Cas, what are you doing? This is your bed…” 

Castiel smiled as Dean looked up at him with wide eyes. “You’re not going too fast,” Castiel said, climbing up and settling himself on Dean’s lap, “And no, I don’t want to talk, it’s not enough for me.” 

Dean’s hands came up to rest on Castiel’s hips and Castiel noticed his scent change. It grew heavier, and it made that heat flare in Castiel’s abdomen. 

“Wha-what are you saying, Cas?” Dean asked. 

“I want you, Dean,” Castiel said, “I want to have sex.” 

“You want to have sex?” Dean repeated. Castiel nodded. 

“I want you to be my first, my real first,” he said, “because I _choose_ you.” 

Dean’s face softened and his eyes turned a little glassy. “You choose me?” 

“Yes.” Castiel nodded. He cupped Dean’s face and leaned down to rest his forehead against Dean’s. “You are my true mate,” he said softly, “and I don’t want anyone but you.” 

Dean laughed breathlessly and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s torso, surging up to kiss Castiel again. 

“I love you, Cas,” Dean whispered, “I love you so much.” 

Castiel’s heart fluttered in his chest and he smiled, kissing Dean passionately. He moved his hands down to tug at Dean’s shirt, pulling away from their kiss so the both of them could pull their shirts over their heads and toss them somewhere on the floor. 

Dean flicked his eyes down to Castiel’s chest, and Castiel almost covered himself because his scars were deeper by his rib cage and they were some of the ones he hated the most. But Dean just slid his hands up, tracing the edges of his scars with his thumb. And it didn’t feel humiliating to have Dean giving them attention, either. Castiel didn’t know how he did it, but Dean actually made him feel beautiful. 

“I know you said you’re ready, that you want this, but Cas,” Dean whispered, trailing his eyes back up to Castiel’s face. “If you need to stop at any point, tell me, and we will. We can just talk or just ease into it, okay? We don’t have to have sex tonight, there’s no rush.” 

Castiel smiled at Dean and answered him by leaning down to share a kiss. Dean broke it off soon after and placed small kisses down to Castiel’s neck. He gave a few well placed kisses and nips to Castiel’s mating gland that left Castiel rutting into him as he made his way farther down to his chest. 

At the first flick of his tongue on Castiel’s nipple, Castiel grabbed a handful of Dean’s hair and tugged his head away from him and moaned. 

“Sen-sensitive, Dean,” he panted, slowly letting go of Dean’s hair and letting him go back to his chest. “C-careful.” 

Dean hummed in response before closing his lips around one of Castiel’s nipples and sucking gently. At the same time, he moved a hand up to tug lightly at the other small bud. 

Castiel moaned softly at the sensation, closing his eyes to let himself just enjoy the feeling. It sent shockwaves of pleasure through his body and he could feel himself growing wetter and wetter by the minute. Those coils of heat low in his belly started to rage and he couldn’t stop himself from pushing into Dean’s touches. And then he felt this soft wave of pleasure overcome him and it made him cry out loud. And when the sensations Dean was making him feel got to be too much, he pushed Dean’s head away, panting softly as he looked down at Dean’s perfect mouth. 

“Dean, I don’t want to wait,” he said, “I’m ready.” Castiel slid off Dean and unbuckled his pants, pushing them and his underwear down his legs. He stepped out of them as Dean stood up and stared at Castiel’s face, panting hard. His eyes looked shaky and Castiel smiled a little because he could tell Dean was struggling not to look at him. 

“W-wait,” Dean said, not really sounding very convincing. Castiel shook his head because he didn’t want to wait. He couldn’t wait, not when it came to Dean, not anymore. 

“I don’t want to, Dean.” Castiel reached out and unbuttoned Dean’s pants, pushing them and his boxers down just as he had done his own pants and underwear. He couldn’t help the little smile that spread across his face as Dean’s lips parted and his breathing came out ragged. 

“Y-you haven’t even let me…let me prep you or anything, Cas,” Dean said. Castiel gently pushed him back down on his bed. “Cas, wait, you have to let me—”

“Dean, just trust me,” Castiel said. He motioned for Dean to move up the bed, following closely as Dean settled against the headboard. 

“Okay, but Cas, still, take it slow and if it hurts or you want to stop just tell me and we can—”

“Shut up, Dean.” Castiel moved to straddle the alpha and lifted himself up onto his knees, taking hold of Dean’s shoulder with one hand for stability. “I know what I want.” He reached down to grab Dean’s manhood and guide it to his hole with his other hand. “I want you,” he said, staring into Dean’s eyes as he guided himself down. At first, he could feel himself resisting and gripped at Dean’s shoulder, but then the head of Dean’s cock popped past his rim and the pleasure that accompanied made him gasp in surprise. 

He slowly lowered himself after that, letting out these barely there breathy moans he couldn’t keep in because…it felt _good_. There was a slight burn, but overall it just felt good. Having Dean inside him was amazing. And when he pulled himself back up, pleasure sparked through him and he shot his hand out to grab Dean’s other shoulder.

He began riding Dean, slowly at first but it felt so good he couldn’t stop himself from moving faster and faster because _sex_ felt amazing. Dean felt amazing. He was pushing up into Castiel gently, moving as best he could to meet his thrusts. Castiel could feel every twitch, every pulse, every jump Dean’s cock made inside him. It was enough to make his body shiver and his legs tremble—it was more than enough to make him come and just seconds later, Castiel did. Castiel came so hard it whited out his vision and made him boneless against Dean for several minutes. 

Castiel had had orgasms before—involuntarily, of course, and they weren’t pleasurable, but he’d still had them. So, he knew what those orgasms had felt like, but this one was different. Castiel felt this climax differently. It had come from deeper inside him, it was bigger, it left him feeling satisfied instead of guilty and disgusted with himself. It made Castiel feel so much, and it was all for Dean. All because of Dean. 

“I love you,” Castiel gasped. He moaned deeply as the feeling of Dean’s fingers digging into his hip and thigh, pulling him down into his lap desperately made him reach that amazing high again. “I love you!” 

Dean’s hips jolted up into him, and Castiel pitched forward, wrapping himself around Dean and grabbing at whatever he could for purchase. He heard Dean growl deep in his chest and it made him mewl in response. 

Dean slid his arms up his body to wrap around him and then Castiel was on his back, looking up at Dean through a tear-blurred gaze. Castiel locked his ankles behind Dean’s back, and moaned as the alpha thrust into him.

“Don’t stop,” Castiel begged, arching up off the bed as he felt _it_ then—felt Dean’s knot beginning to swell. “ _Fuck!”_

“Cas!” Dean said, his voice almost a growl, yet still held the only question he needed for his own release. 

“Yes!” Castiel nodded frantically, rolling his body down to meet Dean’s thrusts. He threaded a hand into Dean’s hair and guided the alpha’s face to his mating gland. “Yes, Dean, please, I love you. Bite me! Make me yours!” 

And then Dean thrust against him firmly as he knot expanded inside Castiel, locking them together as they both came. Dean’s seed spilled inside him and there was a sharp pinch in his neck that had Castiel painting his and Dean’s stomachs with his cum. He he was Dean’s now, and that was all he could want. All he ever wanted for the rest of his life. 

Castiel clung to Dean as the most intense pleasure he’d ever felt coursed through him, making him call out Dean’s name over and over again until he couldn’t speak, until he could only tremble as he rode out the waves of his orgasm. Tears welled up in his eyes and fell down his face from the intensity. But he didn’t want it to stop. Castiel undulated down against Dean because he wanted all of Dean, all of his alpha, his mate. He wanted all of him and more. 

When Dean groaned again and Castiel felt his alpha twitch inside him, he sobbed because another burst of cum marked him on the inside and it made him come again. 

“Alpha!” he buried his face in Dean’s hair to hide his tears. “Alpha, I love you!” 

Dean carefully let go of his neck and licked at his bite, murmuring into his skin a few seconds later, “I love you, too, omega.” He moved to kiss Castiel’s lips once in reverence before he rested their foreheads together. “I’m yours, Cas. Yours.” 

Castiel nodded against Dean. “Mine,” he said, giving one last jerk against Dean before he buried his face in his mate’s neck. “Mine.” Castiel sunk his teeth into Dean’s neck, sealing his bond with Dean.


	9. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metanoia - a transformative change of heart. | Song Recommendation (and title inspiration) - None

_“I love you, Cas, I love you so much. And I want you to win, but I need you to be ready for the consequences of winning tomorrow night.”_

_“I…”_

_“Amara will send whoever she can after you.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“And after I end things with her, she will put two and two together and know that I was able to reach you the nights she sent me to find you. And she’s going to be pissed. She’s going to probably try and kill you herself. Or worse. Cas, she will do anything she can to hurt you. She could send someone—an_ alpha _to you—”_

_“Let’s just run away, then.”_

_“What?”_

_“Let’s just run away.”_

_“…but what about Arkangel? What about the arenas and Gadreel and Rachel and—”_

_“I don’t feel like I need to fight anymore. Not if it puts us in danger.”_

_“I don’t understand. Fights are your life. They’re the reason you get out of bed.”_

_“They used to be.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Dean, I created Arkangel and started fighting because I wanted to kill alphas. They’d killed me over and over all my life and I hated them to my very core, but I couldn’t just go running through the streets killing any alpha I came across. So I did the next best thing and started entering into beastie fights.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“But ever since_ you _, Dean, I don’t get out of bed for fights. I get out of bed because I like seeing you. I get out of bed because I love you.”_

_“Cas?”_

_“I love you, Dean.”_

_“I love you, too.”  
_

Castiel gasped and opened his eyes, breathing hard and heart racing. Tonight was the night of his match against Lucifer, and the alpha knew what he was doing. 

“Cas! What are you doing?!” Rachel yelled at him. 

“Get back in there!” Gadreel yelled at the same time. 

Even after all his time in retirement. Lucifer had his beastie, Abomination, jumping on his feet and never standing still, always in front and facing Arkangel. He never, not for one second, let Abomination turn his back on his opponent…

Castiel snapped his head up to look at the scene before him. 

Arkangel was laying on the ground, bloody and bleeding, still. Castiel could see one of Arkangel’s arms lying severed in the ring as well as Arkangel’s entire quadra-tail curled up on the ground several feet away from Arkangel. Lucifer’s beastie, Abomination, loomed over Arkangel and time almost seemed to go in slow motion as Abomination raised his arm and extended his claws. It didn’t take a genius to understand what was going to happen next. And for a brief second, Castiel considered just letting it end like this. Letting his legacy die with Lucifer and Abomination. 

But then Castiel looked up, and even from where he was, he could picture Dean in the owners box above the seats for the fans. He would be sitting next to Amara, watching this all in worry, because Dean wouldn’t want him to give up, not if he knew Castiel could win. Not if Castiel could do this for them.

And Castiel knew he could. All he had to do what find out what Abomination’s weakness was. Every beastie had one, and Lucifer’s fighting would tell him. Castiel willed time to stop for himself and he went back through the entire fight, analyzing every move Abomination made. 

Lucifer was calculated in his piloting. When he had Abomination rip Arkangel’s arm off, every move had seemed planned ten steps ahead. And when he’d grabbed ahold of Arkangel’s quadra-tail and used Arkangel’s severed arm to sliced it off with its claws? That sequence had been planned! Lucifer fought like this was a game of chess. He thought of every move Arkangel could make before it even happened and had a plan of what to do afterwards. 

Castiel thought for a second that maybe Abomination didn’t have a weakness...but then he thought about only Abomination and the strikes he gave to Arkangel. They’d all been lacking in power behind them, but each blow had several more follow. They’d always been specifically placed. Always several in a row, not powerful, and—.

It clicked for Castiel, then. Lucifer never left Abomination’s back open, never took his eyes off his opponent, and he didn’t have as much power behind his strikes like other beasties. Lucifer had to know every move his opponent made before they made it because he needed to be able to adjust Abomination’s stance in accordance to how his opponent moved, and he couldn’t deliver staggering blows because Abomination’s skeleton didn’t have the strength to back them up.

Lucifer never showed Abomination’s back. Never, ever, not for even a second. There had to be a reason.

“Cas!” Gadreel yelled, and Castiel came back to the present. Time sped up again and Castiel watched as Abomination made micro adjustments in his stance to deliver the killing blow. “Get back in there!” 

Castiel sent a quick _I love you_ to Dean before closing his eyes and opening them again as Arkangel at the moment Abomination swung his arm down. 

Castiel took no pause and laid flat on Arkangel’s back, rolling to the side. He felt the swipe of claws tear into his side and he wanted to scream out because it hurt, but he ignore it. Instead, he pushed up with the arm he had left and spun Arkangel around Abomination so that they were both facing away from each other. He kicked his foot out behind him with all his might, feeling it connect with Abomination’s spine. A loud crack sounded through the arena and Abomination screeched. The crowd’s cheering seemed to pause for just a breath before it doubled. When Castiel righted Arkangel he spun around to see the beastie on his hands and knees with the middle of his spine caved in. 

Abomination whipped his head around to look at Arkangel, rage and hatred clear in his eyes. He pushed himself up onto his legs, barely even able to turn himself around to face Arkangel before he screeched again and he fell back onto his hands. Castiel could see the lower half of his spine caved in now, too. 

_That_ was Abomination’s weakness. And now that Arkangel had delivered it, Abomination couldn’t even stand up. His whole lower half had been incapacitated the second he’d tried to stand up. It was almost sad, looking at him now. He had to hold his upper body off the ground with only his arms. It was obvious Lucifer hadn’t spent time crafting or fortifying the skeleton of his beastie. He’d just gone with the first option presented and then gave Abomination the things he thought mattered most in a fight. Castiel wouldn’t deny that Abomination had served Lucifer well, but Castiel figured Lucifer had always been the smartest pilot in his matches until now. 

Castiel approached slowly, the cheering from the crowds going ignored as he looked in Abomination's eyes. The rage and hatred from before was replaced with defeat and Castiel knew what Lucifer was thinking now. It would’ve been the same, had Arkangel been in Abomination’s place. He would have accepted Arkangel’s fate just as Lucifer accepted Abomination’s. 

The fight was over and Arkangel won.

Castiel won. 

~~~

“Cas!” Dean yelled. Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest and he turned just in time to see Dean burst through the door to his trailer. His face broke out into a grin and so did Dean’s. 

“I’m ready. Are you?” 

Dean nodded and rushed over to Castiel, scooping him up in his arms and kissing him. He swung Castiel around a few times before setting him down and looking deeply into Castiel’s eyes. 

“I’m ready,” he said. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too, alpha,” Castiel whispered. He stretched up onto his top toes to kiss Dean. 

“Well, well, well. Isn’t this a sight?” Amara’s voice made Castiel jump away from Dean and look toward the door to his trailer. 

“Amara, what are you doing here?” Dean asked. Amara laughed hollowly. 

“I thought that would be obvious.” She looked to Castiel for a moment and then back to Dean. “I’m here to congratulate Castiel.” 

“What?” 

“That lucky kick was amazing. Completely shattered Abomination’s spine and I gotta ask, how’d you know, Castiel?” 

“Amara,” Dean ground out, “What are you doing here?” 

Amara sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. You got me.” She stepped forward into Castiel’s trailer and crossed her arms. “I couldn’t care less about Castiel’s outstanding performance. What I care about is what’s mine. I’m here to take back what’s owed to me. I’m here to _guarantee_ I get back what he’s stolen from me.”

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?” Castiel said. 

Amara laughed. “Do you even know who you’re talking to?” Her face darkened and she looked directly at Castiel's neck, right where Dean's claim lay on him. “You took my money from me. You took my clients. You took my alpha from me. You took everything that mattered to me.” 

“Fuck off, Amara. You never cared about me,” Dean snapped. “I was just a whipping post for you.” 

“Of course I never cared about you, Dean!” Amara said, “I never wanted your love, your affection, or your friendship. All I wanted was your loyalty. I wanted you to be the pretty alpha on my arm because that’s all you were good for!” 

“That’s not true,” Castiel said. 

“What would you know, _omega_?” Amara asked, sucking air in through her teeth in a hiss with a mocking grimace on her face. “That’s right. He’s your true mate and all that, isn’t he? He claimed you and everything. So you have to defend him, don’t you?” 

Castiel scowled at Amara. “I don’t have to do anything.” 

“You’d think so, right? But you’re an omega and omegas are only good for popping out babies and making the perfect cherry pie. You know, right, Dean?” Amara smiled evilly. 

“What the fuck do you want, Amara?” Dean almost growled. “Why come here?” 

Amara stared at Dean in the most unsettling way. “I told you, Dean, I came here to reclaim my stolen property.” 

“Are you talking about Dean?” Castiel asked. Amara never took her eyes off Dean. 

“Among other things,” she said. Dean stepped towards her, his hands curling into fists. 

“You need to go, Amara,” Dean said. Castiel felt the change in Dean’s demeanor and moved over to him, turning Dean to look at him. He made Dean look in his eyes and smiled for him, trying to let him know things would be okay. 

“Awe, how sweet,” Amara teased. “Big, bad, Deanie has found the omega of his dreams.” 

“Don’t answer her,” Castiel whispered. Dean swayed forward and nodded. “We’re going to be okay.” 

“Oh, don’t you just wish that were true?” Amara said. Castiel turned to look at her, intending to rip her a new one but froze at the sight of Amara holding a gun aimed at him. “It’s too bad you refused me so many times and stole Dean’s impressionable young heart...and his throat, too, right? You claimed him and took another belonging of mine from me.” 

“No,” Castiel said to himself. He saw Dean turn to look and then he was being pushed behind Dean. “Dean, no!” 

“Amara,” Dean said, a tentative warning in his voice. “Don’t do this.” 

“As cheesy as this sounds, I don’t want to hurt you, Dean, but I will,” Amara said, “I can find another you if I have to.” 

“Amara.”

“Get out of the way, Dean. I’ll kill him, and we can go back to how we were.” Amara shrugged. “Or maybe we can make some different arrangements in our sex life. I know you don’t like my knives so, maybe, I can find someone else I like for that part.” 

“Fuck of.” 

“Think carefully, Dean. This is a one time offer.” 

Dean waited barely a millisecond and then lunged after Amara. And sure, Dean was fast, but not fast enough. Castiel heard the shot and saw Dean stop mid step.

Castiel’s heart stopped in his chest and he felt like his whole world was about to collapse. He blinked and then Dean was dropping to his knees and falling forward. Castiel waited for one beat, then two, three, and after four beats and Dean still didn’t get up, a coldness wrapped around every inch of Castiel. He distantly heard a loud scream and only realized it was him when his throat started to hurt. 

Everything had happened in a few seconds, but time felt warped. Dean wasn’t getting back up. Dean wasn’t moving. Dean was… 

Castiel wouldn’t accept this. He turned his attention towards Amara. She looked almost shocked at what she had done and Castiel used that to his advantage. He sprinted as fast as he could, reaching the woman who killed his mate just as she seemed to come back to the present. 

Amara lifted her arm to aim the gun at Castiel, but Castiel knocked it out of her hands and kicked it away. He cocked his fist back and drove it forward, aiming for whatever he could. And he didn’t stop, not even when his vision began to blur from tears. He just kept throwing his fists out and hoping for the best. 

Amara screeched and Castiel felt a burst of pain near his cheekbone. He vaguely realized she’d gotten a punch in, but he just ignored the pain and kept hitting. It wasn’t a great plan, Castiel knew in the back of his mind, but he didn’t care. 

In the next few punches, Castiel felt more bursts of pain in different places on his body. Each one he ignored, though. He ignored the pain until he couldn’t ignore Amara, because she kicked his footing out from under him and he collapsed to the ground. 

Amara was quick to react to that and straddled his middle, raining down hits and scratches wherever she could. After another hit below his eye, Castiel yelled and shoved Amara off of him. He rolled over to get on top of her, but she jumped up, kicked his side and knocked the air out of his lungs. 

Castiel gasped for air for a few seconds and felt Amara climb back on top of him. He forced himself to focus on her and saw her smile, blood dripping from the corner of her mouth onto his own face. 

“You’re so pathetic,” she spat, “You think you’re something amazing but you’re not. You’re just a fucking worthless omega! You couldn’t even protect your alpha!” 

Castiel used all the strength he could to try and push Amara off him, but she hardly budged and she just laughed. 

“You fucking piece of garbage,” she said, wiping the blood from her mouth before reaching down to wrap her hands around Castiel’s throat. Castiel reached out, moving his hand around to try and find anything that could help him. “You have any last words?” Amara smiled at him, toothy and insane. Castiel frantically tried to buck her off of him and search for anything on the ground he could use to gain leverage but found nothing. “No? Well, say goodbye, then,” Amara said. Castiel flung his arm out, gasping as it came in contact with something cold and metallic. “I’m going to kill you.” 

Castiel grabbed the gun and quickly pushed the barrel to Amara’s stomach. “You wish,” he snarled and then pulled the trigger. 

The loud bang was deafening and left him feeling a little dizzy, but what he was really focused on was the fact that the color drained from Amara’s face and she was looking down at him in shock. 

“I…” she brought a hand to her stomach, touching the spot Castiel had held the gun to before bringing her hand up to look at it. “No,” she whimpered. 

Castiel pushed her off of him, letting her fall flat on the ground before hauling himself up to hover over here like she had done to him. 

“Castiel, I—”

Castiel snarled and brought the gun up to Amara’s head. “Shut up,” he said, and pulled the trigger again. The hand Amara had been holding to her stomach dropped away and her face went blank not even a second after the _bang_. 

Castiel watched her for a few seconds, anger rising in him the longer he watched and the next thing he knew he was pulling the trigger over and over again. He pulled and pulled until he there were no more bullets left and Amara was unrecognizable. And then, only then, did he drop the gun and stand up, turning towards where Dean’s body was. Castiel stumbled over to his mate, anguish and despair causing tears to stream down his face. 

When he reached Dean’s body, Castiel dropped to his knees and used whatever strength he had left to push Dean onto his back. He sat down on the floor and pulled Dean into his lap, cupping the alphas face with a shaking hand. 

“Dean?” 

_No answer._

“Dean, please.” 

_Nothing._

Castiel sobbed and traced his fingers over Dean’s cheekbone. “No, alpha, please,” he said, sending a prayer up to whoever or whatever was listening to not let this be. “Please, Dean, please. I love you, please!” 

_Silence_. 

Castiel shook his head, _begging anyone_ to bring his mate back. “No, please, Dean!” He cried, hugging Dean to his chest and wailing. “ _Please!_ ” Castiel rocked him and Dean in his spot, his heart shattering as Dean remained still in his arms. 

Seconds passed. Minutes, hours maybe, Castiel didn’t know. He didn’t really care. Dean was… He was gone. And it was all because he refused to let Amara win. It was his fault.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel whispered, he pulled back from Dean so he could see his mate’s face. “I love you, Dean. I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel let a few seconds pass as he memorized Dean’s face before he rested his forehead against Dean’s. He breathed in Dean’s scent, wanting to memorize that too because—.

“What are you sorry for?” 

Castiel’s eyes snapped open and he stared into bright green orbs. 

“Dean?” 

Dean brought a hand up to brush Castiel’s cheek. “Who did this to you?” He asked. His face contorted a moment later into a look of panic and worry. “Oh, fuck, Amara! Where is—” 

Dean tried to sit up, but Castiel stopped him and shook his head, a fresh batch of tears welling up in his eyes. “Dean, you’re… You’re not dead!” 

“What? No!” Dean tried to sit up again, but Castiel held him tight. 

“Amara shot you and you fell a-and wouldn’t answer me or move and I… I thought you were dead,” Castiel said. Dean smiled up at him and shrugged. 

“I’m not.” Dean reached down to pull up his shirt. Castiel looked down and gasped at what he saw. The bullet had hit Dean alright, but it was just a graze on the side of his rib cage. “I didn’t think bullets would hurt that much, and it shocked me more than I care to admit.” 

“What?” 

“I don’t think Amara meant to kill me because her aim is usually dead on,” Dean said, laughing softly. Castiel shook his head in disbelief, relieved and happy tears welling up in his eyes. He smiled at Dean, laughing with him before surging down to kiss his mate. 

“I love you, Dean,” Castiel said as he pulled away. 

“I love you, too, Cas,” Dean said, “and, look, I don’t think either of us are really in any shape to run away together at the moment, but I’d settle for driving away with you, if you want.” 

Castiel laughed with Dean again and nodded his head. 

“As long as I’m with you,” Castiel said, smiling, “I’d do anything.” 

Dean smiled up at him, the words _I love you,_ left unsaid because Castiel knew. Castiel knew Dean loved him, and he loved Dean too.


End file.
